The Tall Tales of Daphne Monroe

Thursday 12th February

2:00pm

Sat in assembly. The Man, thankfully wearing socks even if they are polka dot, is walking up and down in front of the first row dramatically, terrifying the first years.

'Today's subject is...tough. It reels the mind. I understand if any of you need to take a minute, perhaps step outside and clear your head.'

Wait, what?

'What I'm about to show you, it may cause some distress.'

I swear, if he starts showing us dead babies or animal cruelty, I'll be sick.

'This picture shows something that is millennia old-'

Oh, God. It's going to be a really gross mummified dead baby, isn't it?

'-and is so vast it may be difficult for some of you to comprehend.'

WHATT???

'But have no fear. After the initial shock, you'll see the beauty of it all.'

Now that's just sick. I really hope it's not what I think it is.

The Man then clicks on the projector and we all lean forward with bated breath to look at-

A picture of Space. A freaking PHOTOGRAPH OF SPACE. It's not even a very good one; basically little white dots on a black screen.

It's official. The Man has lost his mind.

Behind me Eddie goes;

'Christ, I think I need a minute.'

3:00pm

We had to sit there for half an hour listening to The Man ramble on about how amazing Space is, and how Space is like our minds blah, blah, blah. It was AWFUL.

Yeah, yeah. Rave on, you loon. Like I don't have more important things to concern myself with, like what the hell 'see you around' means in Prince lingo!

Trust it to be The Man holding me down. Just because I am whimsical.

But I can't help laugh at the fact my grandparents are paying thirty grand a year to send me to this school. Looks like the jokes on them.

Teehee.

5:10pm

Sat on the beach with Eddie, Jade, Alex and Fee.

We're only out here freezing our nips off because Jade wants to smoke.

'I didn't know you-'

She starts having a coughing fit and ends up having to throw the cigarette into the sea.

'-oh. You don't.'

6:00pm

Fiona invited us round to the café to have dinner, which was actually really nice of her.

Well, it was until I discover her true motives.

'I'm auditioning for the school play, and I want you all to do it with me.'

Kill me now.

'Not a chance in hell.'

'That's a little strong,' she says, sounding hurt.

'Good, it was supposed to be. Fee, I don't act.'

'Yeah, I'm with Daphne. The only acting I do is 'act up',' Eddie says.

Eugh. I have to give him a swift punch in the arm because he looks way too smug with such a rubbish joke.

'Please?' Fiona begs.

'I'll do it,' Jade volunteers. Traitor.

If she caves it's only a matter of time before the rest of them do. And before you know it I'm up on stage poncing about in some poxy tights.

And sadly, that still won't be my most embarrassing moment since living here.

'Great! Alex?'

We all turn to look at her, Eddie and I on one side, Jade and Fiona on the other.

She looks like a little rabbit caught in the headlights, twiddling her hair round her finger nervously. Stop twiddling, you stupid...twiddler! Just say no and be done with it.

'I...I, well-'

Christ, at this rate the play, and my life, will be over before she makes a decision.

'Sure.'

WHAT?!?!?

Am I having a stroke? Please tell me Alex, my sweet shy Alex, did not just agree to audition for the school play?

She's having a hard time just bloody speaking in front of us! How is she going to manage in front of an audience??

Damn.

I can already hear the tights beckoning.

9:00pm

'I think it's a great idea. You need a creative outlet at your age, it's good for you.'

Dad's rambling on. This is why I don't share things with him.

'It will give you a sense of purpose.'

'Or embarrassment.'

'Yes, well. That too. But just think how funny it will be for me when you fall flat on your face onstage.'

I HATE MY DAD.

12:05am

How can there be more drama in my life in this small little seaside town than there EVER was in London?

I mean, really?

I assault a Prince, publically humiliate myself, get lumbered with four MENTAL friends AND NOW- this whole school play fandango??

I despair.

And to top it all off, I have Biology homework.

How can they expect me to do homework at an emotional time like this? I have rights, you know.

I don't know what those rights are, but I'm pretty sure I have them.

12:10am

Oh, brilliant. Jason is at my window, pecking away for food.

Buzz off, you great big...feathery...annoying yellow eyed bird.

Go find Graham and do something useful.

Like think of better insults I can use against you.

12:15am

Or start a multi-species detective agency. The Seagull and the Dog, solving crimes in the dead of night.

Two vigilantes. One hunts from above, the other skulks in the shadows...waiting to pounce.

I'd watch that show.