Stronger Than Us Both

May

"Maybe I don't want to move on. Maybe I deserve to be miserable because of what I did to Cas."

She jabbed me in the chest. "That. That is what I mean. You think that wallowing in self-pity is coping, but it's not." Jo scoffed, "If he saw you..."

"What?"

"If he saw you like this, so guilt-ridden and isolated and depressed, it would break him. All he wanted was for you to be happy, you know that. He wouldn't want-"

I pushed my sister away from me. She had edged so close, we were almost touching. "He wouldn't want me moping around? He wouldn't want me to be guilty? No. You keep saying that like you know what he was feeling, but you don't. You didn't. None of us knew what he was feeling because he- he-" The alternating guilt, anger, and sadness fought inside me; anger won this time. "I knew him better than you ever could. He may have said that he wanted me to be happy, but he wouldn't want this. Cas would hate the idea of me moving on. He wouldn't want me sleeping with Blake just a few months after I lost him. He wouldn't want me going to prom with Jordyn when I'd already asked him to go with me. Cas was jealous when I talked to Lisa before we were dating, so you can't tell me he'd be okay with any of this." I walked to the door, unable to continue to my own room though. My hand rested on the doorknob, but all the fight had left me. Opening the door and continuing this argument both seemed impossible. "He was selfish in the end. He was selfish and stupid, and he didn't think out anything in that letter. Trust me, if Cas really wanted me to be happy, he'd still be here."

"Dean, don't-"

"No, just... I need some air."

•••

"Thanks for the presents, Dean." Sam was hovering at my door, not sure if he should come in. I motioned for him to sit down. The conversation with Jo had left my thoughts raw with emotion, but I couldn't take it out on Sam. "How did you know I wanted a new journal?"

I ruffled his hair, which only earned me a miffed look. "You are about as subtle as I am. But I've read some of the things you've written, and I think it's amazing. You've got a way with words, Sammy. Happy birthday."

He rolled his eyes, but he was enjoying the compliment. "Thanks. And speaking of subtle, how are you doing? Dad said you and Jo were fighting earlier."

"It's fine; don't worry about it. Jo and I... We just needed to get a few things off our chests."

Sam crossed his legs, settling his hands on his knees. "Blake?"

I squinted at him. "How-" I decided not to ask. "Are you sure you don't have super hearing or can't read minds?"

"I think it's just strength and invisibility." There, I got him to smile. "Like I've said, you're a pretty open book that's easy to read."

I pressed my palm to my chest. "You think I'm pretty?"

Rolled eyes and a head shake. I'm on the receiving end of all kinds of teenage sass today. "Don't change the subject. We were talking about Blake."

"Well, you were." And there's Sam's signature look: his perfect bitchface. "Fine. What are you wanting to know?"

"Why are you being so hard on yourself? You made a mistake. So what?"

An uncomfortable feeling started at my wrists, which could only mean one thing. I let a small fire blossom on my hand while I talked, and the irritation under my skin started to fade. Sam glanced at the fire but didn't say whatever was on his mind. "Even though I'm not still with Cas, it's like I betrayed him. He'd be so disappointed in me."