Stronger Than Us Both

February

●Dean●

I couldn't bring myself to go to school or see anyone for another three days, not until Benny's birthday on Friday. Even then, I only saw him for about ten minutes before I went back to my dorm. I wouldn't have even gone to see him, but Cas asked me to. He wanted to give Benny his birthday present, so I had to. The gift bag was right where he told me, and I took it to Benny's room after school.

"Hey, Dean," he said with a soft smile. For a moment, he didn't know what to do or say, so we just stood there. Benny cleared his throat. "Come in. How are you doing?"

"Don't," I replied sharply. "Please just don't." I took a deep breath, handing him the large bag with a blue envelope from me. It was one of the envelopes I used to ask Cas to homecoming; I had a ton of them left afterwards. Inside were two tickets to the concert Benny hadn't shut up about that was touring in a few months. I bought them for the two of us, but when he pulled them out, I found myself telling him, "They're for you and Meg. You've gotta get that girl into some real music. Happy birthday."

Benny didn't look very happy, though. One of your friends... One of your friends dying a few days before your birthday had to ruin it.

"What's this?" he asked, rifling through the tissue paper.

"Don't know. He left it for you." Benny didn't have to ask who I was talking about: he could tell from the pain in my voice.

He pulled out what looked like a handmade blanket that had a note pinned to it. I felt my heart clench inside my chest. I had a feeling that I'd never be able to see handwritten letters the same ever again.

Now you can stop complaining.

That's all that was written on it. Benny had a wistful look, though I didn't understand why.

"Does that mean something to you?" I asked, not really caring to intrude on a moment shared by only Cas and Benny.

"We had a running joke about the fact that I'm from Louisiana and he was from southern California and how we're dying in the cold winters up here." He seemed to realize what he said after the words came out of his mouth because his eyes widened and he wouldn't look at me. "I'm sorry, Dean. That was so insensitive. I just-"

"Don't worry about it." In fact, it didn't hurt like I thought it would. The words didn't quite hit me as much as bury themselves in me. They didn't hurt now, but I knew they would later when they'd had a chance to fester and grow into something worse. "I'm getting tired, so I'm going to go. Happy birthday."

"Thanks, Dean. And-" He didn't seem to know how to finish his thought, so he left it at that. "See ya Monday, right?"

"What's Monday?"

"The school is having a type of memorial for Cas during first block." He said that like I should've known about it. Though, I guess I should've. But I hadn't gone to school all week, choosing instead to stare blankly at the walls and ceiling and to torture myself by going through every moment since September to try to find things that I could've done to prevent this.

"Oh," was all I said. The word sounded hollow, like even my voice had broken. And then I left Benny, feeling guilty that I couldn't pull myself together for my friend or save Cas but feeling lost most of all. It felt like this was how things were going to be from now on: gloomy and empty without Cas to brighten my life. I didn't know how to go on from here, but I had to. Cas told me that he just wanted me to be happy. Even if I couldn't, I had to try. I had to try for him.

•••

The weekend passed in a blur of nothingness. I got up and did the things I needed to like shower and eat and check in with my family, but none of it felt real.