rants.

twenty-ninth entry

honestly.. i feel a bit hurt.


i told my ex-crush about my depression almost a week ago.. and one of the reasons was her.

why was she a reason? i had a crush on her, she knew. yet i had to watch her show affection to other people and never me. i had to watch in jealousy and pain.

she apologized... there was a reason why she didn't show affection to me.

she liked me a lot, as a friend. she wanted to show the love, but she was scared of being judged and being thought of differently. one classmate shipped us too much, so she got annoyed.

she apologized for it being selfish as well.

she hoped that i would accept who she is


and i did.



though i've seen her with one classmate.. she shows affection to her a bit often. now my friend may ship them.

i thought "isn't she scared to be thought of differently? she continues to show affection to her though.. guess it just applies to me "

keep in mind.. i thought of this AFTER she had apologized.


going back, she apologized again as the things i said about her in my depression note couldn't get out of her head. she didn't think that she would be the cause of such major depression. whenever she saw me cry.. she thought that half of her thought she was the reason why. she knew she did things i didnt like, but ignored it anyway

i tried holding her hand a few days before the last day of school... i thought she didn't notice. turns out she did. she was aware. but she pretended like she didnt notice. she didnt know what got to her she got scared, shocked, surprised, mixed emotions she couldn't truly understand.

the day she apologized... i said to myself that its okay now.


but this continues to haunt me until this very day.


i regretted not doing something.




it was the last day of school, we were getting reshuffled. i didn't know if i would be classmates with my crush again. i wanted to hug her.. though i expected to do it after that apology.. but she didn't. i thought that she was still scared of being judged. so i accepted that. later on, i saw her leave, my batch not even done crying and saying their goodbyes.




i suddenly remembered one thing she said in her apology.


"if you want something,,, please tell me"


now i regretted it.

i regretted not hugging her, or asking to hold her hand for the last time.

i regretted not even saying a single goodbye to her.

i don't think we've even talked on the last day, now that I think of it...


..not even once.



though we've spent great times together..


i-i'm not sure if i regret liking her now



but yeah this is what i feel.
i just feel lonely after this.
and hurt.