rants.

sixteenth entry

How do I say this.....

I dunno what to say, I'll just say what's on my mind..

~~

I've had a shitty week. Not this week, last week, but about 2 weeks ago.

I felt unloved, unwanted, not cared for, etc. I kept crying in my room a lot, I lost motivation to do stuff and sadness was the only thing in my mind that time.

I'm currently still in depression, but I'm trying to fight. I'm trying to let myself realize that I'm actually of use.

With the help of my friends, I've recovered. They've gave me advice on what I should do and that they're always with me. I'd say the same to them.

I've been told to think of what makes me happy whenever I feel down. I tried... but it doesn't work somehow. It would just make me feel nothing, or more pain. I'm still trying to figure this out.

Here's a story. Whenever I felt depressed, I would suddenly think of a scenario before I would go to sleep. A scenario that wasn't pleasant... more of terrifying. I thought of the fact that I kept being unloved and unwanted, to the point that I accepted my fate to leave this world. I thought of just locking the door, leaving a suicide note on my table, hanging in my room and wait for my family to see me through my window or even try to unlock my door, if it was even possible for them to do that in a span of time.

Back to the topic, I've been looking for books about depression in the library. Though, I found nothing (because they're all in the teacher's library ;;), I was able to find a book to help me through my troubles. I just borrowed it during lunch, and it actually helps.

Basically the reason of me being depressed is..... influence of others.

People say that I'm a failure, I give headaches, etc. I would say fuck them, but what if it was my own family. I hear these words and phrases from them, and they lead to problems of my own.

I can't get myself to say this in person, because they don't understand the situation.

Why? If I say they're the reason for this, leading to problems about myself, leading to worrying about my friends' (online) problems, then I wouldn't be here.

They don't want me talking with people online rather than my friends in school, so I keep it a secret. If they found out, I would have to leave this. And believe me, it's hard for me because my dearest friends are here.

Ah.. what I'm trying to say is.... I want this to be okay. I want my pain to end. Though my depression may not permanently go away, I want it to be the least of my worries.

But why do I feel something... I feel like I want to cry, though nothing bad happened. It feels like I want to cry to make my life take a turn and to be interesting. It doesn't make sense. Nothing does much, I guess.

I apologize if this doesn't make much sense. My mind is full of thoughts, it's hard to keep up with all 6000 thoughts of them.

I'd appreciate some help and hugs, especially from my friends (and maybe a bf/gf because im desparate). I honestly want someone to be by my side at all times. I get lonely just crying by myself and I end up thinking that it would be nice to have someone hugging me while I do so.

I wait for that person. But nothing.

That's why I'm alone and lonely.

That's all. I just wanted to let my mind out.

"Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."             - A Cinderella Story, 2004