Another Broken Eternity

what if

it's nice here.

the black waves lull gently all around you. the water is cool, like the ocean on a summer day, like a glass of dark sweet tea, like the deep end of a pool. you weigh nothing, so you float peacefully on the black water.

there is no one else in the inky black water. you're isolated, but you don't feel alone. no, this is the happiest you've felt in a long time. finally, you can just breathe for yourself without worrying about how you're taking oxygen from someone else. a thief can only be at ease when no one else is around.

it isn't long before you notice that the water has a voice. it's melodious and deep, and it caresses your heart.

"what if," it whispers into you ear.

you smile. it's peaceful, really, the thought of sinking beneath the waves and never coming up. of existing in this eternal glossy glass of cool sweet tea forever. the black waves lick at the bare skin on your arms, and you want more.

"what if."

it would be so easy. just sink. just let it all go.

the black water holds you, letting you exist as you are. it knows you, somehow. knows every part that has ever existed of you. you don't have to hide, don't have to pretend. it knows that you're broken, but it doesn't care.

"what if."

it knows no one would notice. that no one would care. but, god, it's so nice here in the glossy ink-black waves. no noise, no people, nothing. it's empty yet so full at the same time; just like you.

"what if."

it could all be over. no more of this stress and and thinking and people and life. it would be over.

you want to slip under so badly it consumes you. the urge to fall silently and blissfully between the silky waves. it would be too easy.

the black water is so cool and soft against your bare arms. you are tantalus; staring at something so darkly delicious, but not being able to drink it.

but maybe you can. imagine if you could get away. imagine if it filled your lungs. imagine if you just let go.

"what if."

•••

this poem is (obviously) a metaphor for my depression