Serendipity

Guilt

Maybe it was too soon to come back to work?

What triggered this?

My phone begins to ring and I rummage through my coat pocket until I pull it out and answer it with a "Hello."

"Hi, Katy. It's Dr Gilbert."

I frown "Hi, how are you? Is everything okay?"

"I'm well. How are you feeling?"

I sigh "I've just been told that I'm forgetful.. What does that mean?"

"Ah, the real reason I have called. I just want to speak to you about what's been happening of late, can you remember any of it?"

"No. Which makes this really hard."

"I understand. Has anything happened in the last few days that could have brought this on? Any recent changes, news?"

"No. I- wait.. Zak got a phone call about the channel wanting to use me in one of their episodes, he got mad and said no. Because of that, he's lost an episode and I said I would help him find another location."

"And how do you feel about that?" He questions.

"Guilty, it's my fault that they didn't get the episode. I thought I saw something and ran after it, got into a little bother too. But now he's down an episode, the channel have wasted money and I have to find another one."

"Do you feel responsible?"

"Yes! It's down to me isn't it? I should have just stayed at the hotel that night but I wanted to be with Zak. I-" I paused. "I'm also sleeping for all of America. Am I ill?"

"Without seeing you, and running appropriate checks, I wouldn't be able to tell you. What I will suggest for the time being, is to get yourself a notebook or journal, or both? Write things down, feelings, emotions and thoughts. Whilst on the other, write down to do lists and personal reminders.  Let's try this until you get home and then come in to see me."

I frown "But I never said I was away.."

He pauses "I had a phone call from Bill."

"Oh."

"He was just concerned. What about the accident? How do you feel towards that?"

I paused. "I can't talk to anyone about it..."

"Perhaps this is an added stress? To deal with any problems, is to talk about them. Maybe we should look into counselling as well as more cognitive therapy?"

"What I tell you? It's confidential right?"

"Absolutely." He responded.

"I keep seeing her.." I whispered.

"Who?"

"The little girl, s-she died in the accident, I keep seeing her."

"In what respect? Whilst you are awake? As you sleep?"

"Sleep.. She's in my dreams. First she's in the car, then she's in my car or I'm in her car.. Then she's a child, running free, holding this kite that's high up in the sky. She looks at peace, but how can she be? She was just a little girl, her whole life set out in front of her."

"Katy. I'm aware of the accident, but I have to stress, what happened? Wasn't you're fault."

"But what if it was? What if I wasn't so upset? What if I was more alert and not so upset over Zak and that woman? Would I have noticed and slammed my brakes on sooner? Would I have missed them completely?"

"Those are questions that will remain unanswered for all eternity now. The events that unfolded cannot be undone. It was my job as your doctor to relay any developments to the police, in that time, I also treated a few others and I was present when the coroner gave his final statement. I can tell you that the little girl's injuries that were proven fatal were due to no fault of your own."