Drifting Apart

Chapter 7: Daydream

Ilhoon slugged his body around. He felt unmotivated to do anything. His body was numb, his mind was blank and when he looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes looked back at him with a dead glare.

Sungjae, he unconsciously thought.

Quickly, he shook his head. He can't let Sungjae fill his mind this much.

Ilhoon headed to the bathroom, where he splashed some water in his face and tried to clear his mind.

He took a deep breath in and let it all out at once. Suddenly, with a surge of adrenaline, Ilhoon threw his head back and started laughing at nothing. His heart was beating too fast, too fast for him to think. But he didn't care. He felt nothing, and he just wanted to let if all go. He ran to the kitchen where he grabbed a pair of scissors. Without hesitation, he raised his hand to his head and started cutting. He watched lifelessly as his hair fell below him. He watched as the tiny strands of hair danced in front of him. His mind was thinking of  nothing and everything at the same time.

Every time something good happened, bad things always followed.

Ilhoon cursed. It wasn't fair. Couldn't he just be happy for once? He fell to the ground, tears threatening to fall.

Ilhoon wanted to cry so badly. He wanted to let everything go. He wanted to shout everything he had held back. Curling himself into a ball on the cold, hard wood, Ilhoon started whimpering. He stared blankly at nothing, then his vision became blurred as the tears fell. Ilhoon took a shaky breath as he continued crying. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to punch someone, to scream in their face, to make them feel the pain he was feeling.

As he cried, Ilhoon became more agitated. He balled up his fists and felt the fallen strands of hair. Clenching his jaw, he grabbed a fistful of hair and grit his teeth. Then let out a sad moan as the tears were now streaming harder down his face. He could no longer see due to the amount of tears. But that didn't matter to him. Nothing did.

He wanted to sleep, but at the same time, he couldn't. That would mean that this life he was living wasn't a dream. It wasn't a nightmare. He pinched his cheeks, his arms, anything. Ilhoon was desperate to wake up.

His mind started wandering to random places. One, deep breath in. Two, let it out. Three, Sungjae. Four, Minjoo. Breathe, let it out. Sungjae, Minjoo. Breathe, Sungjae, let it out, Minjoo. Minjoo, breathe, Sungjae, let it out. One, two, three, four; disappear for good.

Ilhoon let it all out. His screams, his sadness, his despair, his madness. His world was slowly falling apart. This was his wake up call, and he had no idea if he wanted to answer it.

It would be better to drown himself in the dark. Ilhoon felt his eyes closing, his heart slowing down. He tugged at the hairs remaining on his head and let out a shaky sob. It would be better to stay in the dark.

Because once you find light, everything hurts more than it ever did before.

The apartment went silent as Ilhoon drifted off into a dreamless slumber.