Love is deaf • Meanie

Falling In Love

Nearly a year had passed. Wonwoo was living at Soonyoung's parents with his best friend but spend more time in the streets, window shopping or wandering. Nothing felt the same anymore except the fact that he was almost always in a state of depression. It clung to him like smoke on an addicts jacket, no matter how many times he tried to wash the low feeling away it lingered oppressively. He was sleeping a lot more at least, probably too much in fact, due to a massive loss of motivation to get out of bed in the morning and a renewed disinterest in life. He wasn't suicidal, that would be going a step too far, but he sure as hell wouldn't mind dying in his sleep, especially on days like this.

He had no job, not many friends and definitely no love life. It have been countless months since he last saw Mingyu in the window of SVTea. He wasn't in his usual uniform and Jeonghan was talking to him with a stern expression, Wonwoo wondered whether he had lost his job too for the same reason. Either way, he wasn't supposed to care anymore.

But you know what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder and in Wonwoo's case the fondness had grown ten times the size. He missed Mingyu and it was truly destroying him but he couldn't help thinking he was the only one who hadn't moved on. What if Mingyu had a boyfriend now, someone who wasn't deaf and didn't hold him down?

He kept telling himself, "Mingyu is gone now, he's out of my life," but the memory stained his mind like coffee on a white coaster.

The cheating incident had become irrelevant as the year passed. Wonwoo realised, looking back on everything that happened, what Mingyu did wasn't against him, it was for Josh. Mingyu sacrificed what made him happy to save his friend, if that wasn't the most admirable thing to do then Wonwoo didn't know what was. Wonwoo had always been inspired by Mingyu's kindness to his friends, this was just the same as usual but on a higher level, even if it was fucking stupid.

It was a Saturday morning when Wonwoo finally left the house. Soonyoung's parents were on holiday but Soonyoung wanted to stay at home with him. In a whirlpool of mess Soonyoung was Wonwoo's shelter and he will forever be grateful and proud to have a friend like him.

"Where are you going?" Soonyoung signed as Wonwoo put his coat on.

"I don't know. Probably to the supermarket." Wonwoo replied. He was low; close to 6 feet under, and wanted to forget.

Some days the memories of Mingyu would hit him hard and he would fall onto his back in tears. Wonwoo didn't realise that missing a miracle could be so heart wrenching. That day he was hurting more than ever, he had found Mingyu's headphones in his suitcase and it struck a chord within him. He wanted to leave the house and get as far away from them as possible and then hopefully the memory and the feelings would fade with distance.

It was raining. Wonwoo didn't wear a hood or put up an umberella and instead let the water stick his bangs to his forehead. He watched a taxi rumble past with no sound and tried to imagine what the rain might sound like on the ground. Would it chime against the wet concrete and create a rhythmical beat or would it it shatter when it hit the floor like beads of glass?

Wonwoo wandered towards a local supermarket, he didn't know what he wanted to buy but had a feeling that some alcohol was needed to smooth his jagged thoughts. He had made it halfway through the front entrance when he remembered he hadn't brushed his hair and probably had toothpaste around his mouth, he didn't correct it like he usually would however, and continued to walk towards the liquor isle like the wreck he was. He collected a share packet of crisp for himself and a six pack of cola on the way before grabbing the first alcoholic drink he saw, maybe it was vodka, Wonwoo didn't pay much attention.

The lady at the cash register looked at him quizzically but didn't ask for an ID probably because the dark circles under his eyes aged his face by a decade. As the cashier checked out his shopping and piled it into a plastic bag something behind the counter caught Wonwoos eye, a dismal array of dull packaging was being displayed on the wall opposite him along with painful advertisements; pictures of digusting tumors and ashen lungs. Wonwoo had never smoked a cigarrette before, he knew they were bad for your health and that his mum always used to tell him that smoking was bad but he had never really experienced it for himself. He pondered whether putting the dry paper between his lips and igniting the killing machine would numb his low. Maybe the nicotine would replace his addiction to Mingyu with something a little more manageable and maybe the smoke could sooth the pain in his lungs. Would it kill him slowly like Mingyu did?

The cashier had called out a price several times before Wonwoo snapped out of his daze and focused on her moving lips.

"Can I have a packet of those too?" He asked and pointed at the cigarettes.

She rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath that Wonwoo was glad to not be able to hear. He payed and left with the same sunken feeling in his stomach that he entered with. He hoped later, when he takes a drag of ash air, that the feeling would go, maybe not forever but until he takes the next drag to repeat the deadly cycle.

Wonwoo took the long way home letting the carrier bag knock against his right leg with every step ignoring the fact that his cola would most definitely explode when he opens it later. He wasn't looking where he was going, the sparkling of the rain on the path under a semi-bright sky was his only interest as he strolled home, not once did he look up to see whether someone was in his way or whether it was safe to cross a road, he just kept walking with a heavy weight on his shoulders. His knees ached. Then he met a traffic light on green but did not stop to wait for the cars. Instead he kept on walking. Someone honked their horn but Wonwoo didn't have the ears to hear it, another person slammed on their brakes and barely missed knocking into him. He jumped and stumbled back in surprise when he saw how close the car was. The back of his heel caught the curb and he fell onto the path landing on his back. It hurt and Wonwoo had to blink several times before he could see through the dazed stars in his eyes.

"Shit." he breathed, his bag had split and so had the pocket of his coat. This was not a good day, he wanted more than anything for some sort of miracle to come along and save him from this neverending cycle of depression but from what he had learnt miracles don't exist.

He stood up and winced at the shock of pain in his back- no doubt he would have a bruise by morning. After brushing himself off he tried to gather the contents of his shopping, people were now staring and he became flustered. In a panicked manner he piled his belongings into his arms but dropped a can of coke and then another. He tried stuffing some into his pocket which ripped even further and his keys fell out. He wanted everyone to stop staring, for the rain to stop running down his neck and for the ground to just swallow him up. Now wasn't the time to be in this situation, he needed to get home quick before he burst into tears and made even more of a fool of himself. He tried again to pile everything into his arms and hurried away.

Then something stopped him.

It sent shivers down his spine and caught his breath.

He had got himself into one of those panicked situations where you're so flustered and surprised your body knows no better than to tense up and paralyze itself.

Wonwoo heared something.

And it struck a match in his chest.

"Excuse me, Sir. You dropped this."