Her Own Wings

Seizure

Liz and Harmony walked in to Timmy's room when the shift change was over. Timmy was still lying there, with tubes connected to him, all over his body. Harmony walked right up to him, and just stood there, staring. She reached a shaky hand out and put her hand over Timmy's hand. She walked around to the other side of the bed. Neither woman said anything. Their tear-filled eyes met, and Harmony could see that her daughter's heart was breaking in half. Harmony wiped the tears from her eyes, bent down and gave Timmy a gentle kiss on his cheek, then walked around the bed to her.

"Honey, I am SO sorry this has happened. I cannot believe this." She had her arms wrapped around her, pulling her in tight.

"Jack thinks he's going to be fine, I'm just not sure, Mom. If he's not, I don't know if I can survive this."

"Liz! Of course you can. You can survive anything; the women in our family are survivors. I know you can survive. You have all of us here for support. The doctors are working their hardest. You've got to take it one day at a time, Lizziebelle." She looked at her Mom, and smiled at the nickname her Mom called her as she was growing up.

"Thanks Mom. I love this little guy so much. I can't imagine not having him around. I know he drives me crazy sometimes, but I just can't imagine not having him around."

"I know, Lizziebelle. I Know. I'm going to go and see Tyler, and let Jack come back in here, ok? Call me if anything changes." With that, Harmony gave her a gentle hug, kissed her cheek and walked out. Just as she reached the door, she wiped tears from her eyes, and walked back across the room and bent down to give Timmy a quick kiss.

She was in the room alone, for one of the first times since the accident. She grabbed a chair, and pulled it close to Timmy's bed. She started stroking his hair and moving it away from his eyes to avoid his injuries. Her tears had dried up, and she just sat, feeling empty inside. A familiar feeling came over her. It felt like all her emotions had left her body, and she was just a shell, an observer. She felt like no one could see her, or hear her. She didn't feel anything, not happiness, or sadness. She couldn't feel the vinyl seat sticking to her sweating legs, nor could she feel Timmy's hair as she gently stroked it. She felt empty. That was how she knew something bad, tragic was about to happen. This is what always happened. she got this same feeling every time something truly awful was about to happen to her. It was the same emptiness, the same fear that Saturday morning when the choir director came for her, and she went to the garage to be with her sister. It was the same feeling she had earlier in the day before Timmy got hit. And it was the same feeling she had on THAT day. That awful, terrible day when she was kidnapped in college.

She knew remembering that day would make her feel. It always made her feel, but the she hated the way she felt the tears stinging in the back of her eyes and she remembered. And, she hated the way she could feel a weight sitting on her chest making it difficult to draw in a breath. She hated the way her insides felt shaky like Jell-O. She hated feeling her heart racing, and the blood pumping viciously through her body. The adrenaline, even now, kicked in, and she wanted to fight, to run. To escape. She had to; she couldn't let that happen again. She couldn't!

Just as she was about to close her eyes, and watch the movie of that day, Jack walked in. She sat down, wiped the tears and looked up at Jack with a sad smile. He caught her eyes and held her gaze for a moment before looking down at Timmy. He pulled up a chair and sat down. Both of them sat there staring at Timmy, neither saying a word. Neither knowing what to say. She started looking around the room. She hated the silence. She looked at the machines, wondering what each machine was, what it did, what it's life-saving function was. She listened to them all beep and whir. She listened to the tick-tick-tick-tick of the clock in the hall. She heard the nurses and doctors coming in whispering to each other. They stood over Timmy as the doctor looked over his notes. While she was watching the doctor write notes in a patient's chart, she heard a grunting sound. She jerked her head and started looking around, wondering where it was coming from. She looked at Timmy, and saw his whole body jerking rhythmically. She heard him grunting, "Ungh! Ungh! Ungh!"
"Oh my God! He's having a seizure!" Jack yelled. Suddenly, the room was swamped with doctors and nurses.

"Get out! Get the parents out of her now!" Yelled the doctor.

She looked down at Timmy, said a quick, silent prayer, "Please. Please be ok." Then, turned, and with her head down, and her eyes full of tears, grabbed Jack's hand and followed him to the waiting room. She suddenly felt like she had done a belly flop on the water from the high dive board. She lost her breath, and all of her feelings - fear, anger, sadness, depression, love, and confusion - slammed into her body at once. She took a huge gasp of air and started crying. These were not silent tears; these were gut-wrenching cries of agony. Her baby, her beautiful Timmy was laying in the hospital, his body broken, in a coma, having seizures. There was not a thing she could do to help him. She felt as helpless as she did as a young child in the bedroom listening to her parents fight. She couldn't stay there, so she did the only thing she could do. She ran.

Liz ran down the hallway, ran down the stairs, and out the doors of the hospital. Jack was chasing her, trying to calm her down. She got across the street, into the parking garage, and realized she didn't have her car.

"DAMNIT!" She yelled. Jack caught up to her.
"Dammit, Liz, not now! I need you to focus, and be there for Timmy. I need you to be there for me."

"I can't Jack. I need to be alone right now. Can you just go back, and let me be? Give me your keys. I need to get out of her for a little while."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know, Jack. I just need to get away for a little while."

Jack sighed. "Fine. Here you go. Knock yourself out." Jack threw the keys at her, turned and walked away, back towards the hospital.

"Jack, please. Wait." Jack turned around, put his hands on his hips and faced her. "Jack, I just couldn't take seeing him like that. It's breaking my heart."

"I know, Liz. Mine too. It's never a good time for something like this. We can go get a cup of coffee in the cafeteria if you'd like."

"No. Let me sit out here for a few minutes, and I'll be back up, ok? I just need to get some fresh air. Here are your keys." She reached out to hand them to Jack. He walked over and took them from her, and kissed her on the top of her head.

"Ok. Want me to sit with you?"

"No. Well, if you want." She looked and smiled at Jack, and he returned the smile. He grabbed her hand, and walked to a bench in front of the hospital and sat down. They sat like that for about twenty minutes, with neither of them saying word to the other.

"Liz, listen...I don't know what's going on, but, I need you to focus and stay with me, ok? I don't want you to tune out today like you usually do. I know it somehow helps you. I don't understand how, or why, but I don't think it's good for you to tune out all the time. Timmy needs you, and when you tune out, sometimes it's hard to bring you back. Can you stay with me today?"

"Jack, you know I can't always help it. It just happens. We've had this conversation so many times in the past. It's how I hold myself together when things get hard. I'll do what I can. I know it pisses you off."

"Liz, it doesn't piss me off.... you know what, I don't want to argue. Not today, baby. We should go up and check on Timmy, see how he's doing. You ready?"

"Yeah, let's go."