That 000000 & ffffff || Matty Healy

Don't You Mind?

Matty had said goodbye to me before Jamie had came into my line of sight. He had left a kiss to my cheek and like a ghost he had disappeared and I almost thought I had imagined the whole thing. Jamie had been upsettingly sober in comparison to Anna, but he was our designated driver and my dads would have his balls if anything had gone wrong under his care.

I had expected a text from Matty today, if anything, a quick little, "I've landed safe," or something along those lines. But he seemed to have gone MIA on me all over again, twice in less than two days.

I'm trying not to let this bother me, but I'm brushing my teeth, and all I can taste is chocolate and vanilla. I'm taking a shower and I find my self dreading the possibility of scrubbing away all contact he's had from my skin. My knuckles are a bit scabbed where Matty had pinned my hand to the brick wall and when I run my tongue along my lips, I feel little sore spots where he's nipped at last night. He's probably an ocean away but his traces are still scattered about my body.

When I get dressed, I try wearing bright colors than my original handful of black on black clothes. I refuse to let him subliminally dictate my clothing as well. I step out into the living room, surprised to see Brian and Jamie playing a game of FIFA almost civilly. It doesn't sit right in my stomach, especially since, well, Jamie doesn't really like Brian, and Brian has made it clear more than one occasion that my friendship with Jamie was borderline invasive toward my relationship with Brian.

Jamie catches my eyes, I raise an eyebrow and he shrugs, pausing the game. Brian turns to see what the other boy is staring at, a smile touching his face when he spots me. "You look lovely, Marcy," he tells me, and I accept it, curtly, none of this was making sense to me. He gets up and leads me out of the apartment; Jamie makes a motion of falling back against the sofa with a loud groan. Anna appears from the kitchen, a stove lighter in one hand, a menacing look pointed towards Brian. She lights the flame, not breaking eye contact and Brian audibly gulps before placing his hand on my back and leading me out the door.

I'm kind of scared to ask about what just happened, so I leave it alone. "What do you need to talk about?" I ask, my fingers clasped together in front of me and I try not to make it too obvious that I'm avoiding him then, even though I'm a good distance away from him, at least two other people can slot between us.

"Us – but we can do it over dinner." Something like horrid hurts my chest and bubble back into my throat. I think it must be all the alcohol consumed from last night and the minimal food I've had to eat – which was probably just the ice cream cone.

I let him lead the way, and the silence is absolutely palpable. I find it a bit awkward, thinking about saying something, but not finding it in myself to make an effort for small talk. He seemed fine though, oddly domesticated, and I don't understand the change. It's not that he isn't like this most of the time, because he is. He was always so easy going and it's not hard to get on with him. It had always been a surprise to me when Jamie or Anna was passive towards him. I use to think that he could get along with anyone.

And I found that maybe it wasn't a charm he was letting out, but an air of flirtatiousness. He wasn't being nice to all my other friends, he was being seductive... and it had worked out in the end – for him at least.

I don't understand, though, why suddenly after the break up, he seems to be trying harder to remain loyal to me. It's been only a day since his arrival, but it seemed too off. When we're sat at a table in an Italian restaurant, after ordering drinks and the first thing my eyes find on the menu, I ask him, unable to hold my curiosity, "What do we need to talk about?"

"Us-"

"- As you've said countless times," and I don't mean for it to come out as snide as it does, I bite my lips, and softly retaliate, "there really isn't an 'us' anymore, is there?"