ALiVE (KHR Fanfic)

108. Worth

"He said something weird," I caught Squalo saying, "and the stupid baby's not calmed down since."

Xanxus' expression didn't change at all, but by how he was eyeing Squalo, he was listening.

I found myself losing focus in the conversation. I felt a ringing begin to screech in my ears. Wincing, a hand shot up to my ears and a pain sparked up my temple.

An irritation built up at my throat and escaped as a cough.

Briefly lifting my head, I flinched as I realized the eyes staring me down. They were eyes of contempt-- as if I'd just done something inexcusable, despicable, in front of them.

Their gazes sent shivers down my spin-- with that, I bit back the next cough crawling up my throat.

Resisting the cough seemed to trigger the cough further, and almost immediately I erupted into a very painful coughing fit that bruised my sore throat beyond bearable.

As I calmed down, I saw blood drip down my chin. Quite a bit stained my shirt-- Desperately, I brushed it off with the sleeves of my sweater.

"Ex-Excuse me," I sputtered.

Now, their gazes transfixed on me seemed more of interest than of anger.

"Scum," Xanxus finally spoke.

Lifting my head in surprise, I straightened and stiffened to face him.

A nudge in my direction, "What's up with that?"

Ah... It was like I'd just remembered. My lung condition and the worsening state of my life. I haven't been mobile, and I've been asleep for majority of days.

"Clearly," I mumbled hesitantly, "I don't have much longer to live."

This made some eyes widen-- but Xanxus remained stoic.

"Then why the fuck do you wanna join us?" Squalo snapped.

Looking to the side, I managed a half-hearted smile.

"I'm at the end of a cliff." I told him, lifting my eyes and chuckling a little awkwardly, scratching the back of my head. "And yet, I'm nothing. That's why, I wanna be something."

I'm pathetic, aren't I?

"Why the Varia?"

That shook me. Lussuria, speaking up, asked me the one question I had failed to consider.

"If it's the Mafia, the Sawada kid would welcome you with open arms and coddles." Belphegor joked, "So why risk your life to die here?"

Surprising even myself, my first response to that statement was to scoff in disgust.

"With Tsuna?" I could laugh with how appalled I was at the suggestion, "Tell me, Belphegor-- why would I join them?"

Emperor's face fell for half a second before he grinned-- "Ushishishi, this is a surprise." He mused, "I thought you liked that baseball idiot guy?"

With a pout, I looked away. "Well, yes, but," I mumbled, "What would be the point?"

Why would I go with Tsuna?

Must I go with them, since I like being with them?

Whoever decided that to be the norm?

"I seek strength." I found a smile crawling up my features, "Power. Pride."

My grin only grew wider as I felt the Void Ring warm up. The comforting, empty serenity spreading through my senses--

"Tsuna and Takeshi, they know nothing about me." I spoke, "they don't and will never understand. They coddle and protect me, like a baby bird grasped in their palms they don't wanna liberate."

I was probably going too far with what I was saying-- but it didn't seem to stray too far from the truth, in my view.

My voice lowered sternly in mild spite, "They think I'm a glass doll just waiting there on their display." I chortled in sarcasm, "But break me to pieces, and you'll have a weapon."

It seemed blood was pouring from a cut in my mouth. The coughing fit from before-- maybe my teeth had hit something within. It hurt quite a bit, but not as much as my throat did.

Placing a hand at my chest, my confidence grew far, "Xanxus," I spoke to him, "What can I do to make you accept me as one of yours?"

Insolence, they must've thought. Who was I to be spouting overconfident shit right now?

Xanxus couldn't even laugh. Utterly speechless, he failed to find amusement in my ridiculous show. Simply, he scowl at me.

With that, Belphegor slid a knife toward my direction, and the command to just kill yourself was clear.

In this ludicrous situation, the one to laugh was none other than me.

Giggling sweetly, as if to a joke Takeshi had just made, I placed a hand at my neck and sighed contentedly.

"A knife, huh?" I sighed.

Picking it up, I twirled the knife around my fingers, rolling it over my knuckles-- holding it gently at the tips of my fingers, I raised it over my head.

Craning my head back and parting my mouth; I slowly lowered the knife, blade first, onto my tongue, through my throat--

Swallowing, I licked my lips and turned back to Xanxus.

"Magicians don't die, know?" I taunted, "we explode into a mess of multicolored confetti."

The Varia's not gonna be easy to join, eh?