Shades Darker | BWWM

Frozen Cherry Therapy ✨

I couldn't seem to fall asleep these past couple of days because all I can think about is Cole. It's so bizarre because I never use to think about him like this but now I can't stop. Therefore I decided to go into work today and talk to Sophia about it. She's a great listener and she gives great advice, she's kind of like my frozen cherry therapist.

I take a sip of my drink and I watch as Sophia stares at me with this giddy grin on her lips. I just finished telling her about Vanessa's party and let's just say there was only one part of that story she was focused on.

"What?" I question cautiously.

She begins shaking excitedly and with a beaming smile asks me to describe our kiss again. We both laugh, well mainly her and I tell her that I'm not going over it again. She sticks out her bottom lip and begs me, "Come on it was the cutest thing" She whines and I shake my head.

"It really wasn't"

"But it got you going to therapy" She instantly claps back and I have to give her that one.

She continues to whine and jokingly I tell her that she's being annoying and that she's focused on the wrong thing. She smiles proudly while flipping her hair, "You don't have to tell me twice and excuse me I'm so focused on the right thing so spill" She replies and I roll my eyes.

Scratching the back of my head I wonder how I can explain it to her again, "I don't know maybe it was all the alcohol but it was like I was seeing him differently like the first time" Sophia stares at me like this is the most interesting thing in the world to her and that freaks me out a little. Leaning in her smile grows wider.

"And the kiss?"

The small smile on my own lips widen and I bite my lip, "It was something" I answer and she calls the bullshit. She tells me that she wants to dirty details and I can't believe she's making me do this.

"Well you know that heartbeat you feel when you're turned on?" I ask and she nods and her jaw drops slightly. She waits for me to say and eventually I give in.

"Let's just say it was pounding" I mutter and now she's hollering in laughter. A rush of embarrassment hits me and I drop my head in my arms. As she laughs my cheeks burn and I feel so embarrassed.

"You dirty bitch I knew it, I knew one of them white boys was going to get you, didn't I say it I said it didn't I?" She boasts and begins dancing a little. I shake my head and tell her that she's forgetting one thing.

"The only thing I need to know is that you love him" She sings teasingly and I immediately shut that idea down.

"I do not love him are you dumb, we would never go together because I don't know we just don't get along very well I mean sometimes we do and other times we don't and most times I just want to snap his little neck because he's so goddamn annoying but I wouldn't say I'm in love with him" I go off ranting for a second and when I come too Sophia looks shocked and amused.

She puts a hand over her mouth, "Oh my God you do love him" I tell her once again that I don't but she shakes her head. "It's so obvious you just don't want to admit it to yourself but that boy has completely snatched you up" She counters and I tell her she's being ridiculous.

"How so?"

"Because it's not true and plus I am dating someone" I remind her and she rolls her eyes.

"Child, it is obvious who you want to be with and it's not Jermaine you need to cut that boy loose" She asks if I even told him yet about the kiss and I mutter a no.

"See"

"But it's not for the reason you think I didn't tell him yet because I know once I do he'll hate me"

Sofia tells me that he won't hate me but I know he will. He told me countless time to watch out for Cole because he sensed he liked me but I didn't believe it. Now the tables have turned and look where we are.

How we got here I have no idea?

"Well if you don't mind me saying it sounds to me like you're trying to hold onto Jermaine in hopes that it'll change how you feel about Cole" "You like him but you're not ready to admit it to yourself"

Those words seem very familiar and maybe it's because everyone and they mama keeps telling me that I'm harboring some feelings for him. I've also come to the realization that those accusations might actually have some truths to them.

Sighing, I lean my head in my hands and begin dipping my straw in and out of my smoothie. "I was so sure of my feelings for him in the beginning and now I'm just torn you know" "One part of me want to be with him and it feels right but on the other hand I can't shake this feeling that I can't exactly trust him" I explain.

I look up and she has her own arms folded and she's biting her inner cheek, "Has he done anything that would make you distrust him?" She asks and I tell her that I don't know. Besides being annoying he hasn't really done anything that would warrant me not to.

"Then maybe it's not a mental thing maybe it's emotional" She suggests and I ask what does she mean by that.

"Don't get angry at what I'm about to say but do you think this may have something to do with your dad?"

I don't see the correlation.

"Well this whole race war didn't start till after your dad died, maybe you don't want to trust him because you've convinced yourself that you can't"

"Sophia-"

"No listen to me" "Before his death you never use to feel this and never acted this way towards somebody that looked different than you" "We both know how the world is and how they view view people that look just like us but we never really experienced, not the way they show it on the news" "Then your dad died and you were forced to see the truth and the truth is the world is an ugly place" "It's vicious, deceitful, hateful and a shady place"

As she explains it I understand where she is coming from. The reality of what the world was didn't come knocking at my door it bust it down and I wasn't ready for it. Who is? I wasn't ready at sixteen and I'm still not ready to face this.

Maybe that's why this race war is still ongoing in my school because I can't let go. I've been so hurt by his death it's led me to divide everyone instead of bring us all together. I don't even realize it but I'm crying. I wipe the tears from my cheek and I take in a deep breath.

"I know you're still hurting and I know it'll take time to heal but I also know that your dad wouldn't want you to hold onto this pain forever, to make other people pay for what that officer did" Sofia is right, I've been making people that look like that officer pay for his mistakes and that's not fair.

I made a promise and I intend to keep it because if I don't I'll turn into somebody I don't recognize, into the people who did me wrong. Moments later her phone begins beeping and I know what that means. Her time is up.

We both stand up and she wraps her arms around me giving me a hug. She squeezes me, "I know you're struggling with this but not everyone is the same, I can't imagine Cole wanting to hurt you like that officer did"

She pulls away and points a finger at me, "Secondly, be honest and tell Jermaine about what happened you owe him that and more importantly you owe yourself" I tell her that I will and thank her for her advice, things are actually a lot more clear now that I've talked it out. I order another smoothie, wave goodbye to my co-workers and head out to head home.

I get into my car and just sit there without even starting it up. I think back on our conversation and realize that she is right. I don't want to cause anymore divide in my life the world is already so divided it doesn't need my help. I have to do better because I want my dad to see me do good.

I want him to be proud of me.