What's Wrong With Us? {Cashby}

39| Breathe

Alan's POV

I ran up the porch steps and knocked against the door rapidly. I didn't stop, he had to hear me sooner or later.
"Hold on!" I heard someone shout from inside and I quickly pulled my hand back. It wasn't long then. The door was pulled open and I flung myself into Vic's arms.
"Alan?" He said confused and I felt him wrap his own arms around my still naked torso. I flinched but I tried to rationalize in my mind that there was no way Vic would hurt me. "Hey where's your shirt? Are you okay?" He asked and I couldn't stop the tears that started to flow. I was a blubbering mess. "Hey hey, calm down." He said and I heard the door close. He steadied me in his arms and started walking us both towards the living room. "Kells! Get down here!" I heard him shout and I was grateful to hear Kellin was here too.

I felt myself being sat down on the couch and Vic knelt in front of me. He pushed my messy hair behind my ears and I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Vic what's wrong?" I heard Kellin ask as his feet made little thumping sounds as he came down the stairs. "Alan?" I heard Kellin question and his footsteps pace picked up a little. Kellin knelt down beside of Vic and looked at me worriedly.
"Alan?" He reached out to put a hand on my thigh and I couldn't help that I shuffled my legs away from his touch.

He pulled his hand back slowly and set it on his own thigh.
"Alan what's wrong?" He asked in a quiet voice.
"I-I..." I was getting choked up again. Could I really tell them what happened to me last night? Would they think I was disgusting? Would they even believe me? I looked up at my two friends and I felt another wave of tears hit me hard and fast. I drew my knees up to my chest and hid my face as I started to cry again. I felt my chest tightening and I couldn't breathe. I gasped and tried to take a breath but it was like someone had wrapped a hand around my throat.

"Alan....hey....look at me." I heard some say but it was muffled, kind of like I was under water. "Alan.." My hands gripped the fabric of my jeans harshly. I shook my head and tried to take a breath. It only got harder for me to breathe. I felt someone grabbing my hand and I tried to pull it away but they weren't going to let me go. My insides clenched and the need the throw up rose. My body shook while my insides churned and my lungs screamed for air.

"Alan follow my breathing." I heard in a distorted tone. My hand was enveloped with warmth as someone hooked their fingers between mine. "Come on look at me." I rose my head up slightly and saw that Kellin was really close. There was only a couple inches between us. It was also him that had my hand clasped in his. "That's it. Follow my breathing." I tried my best. I focused on how his shoulders rose and fell as he breathed in and out. I tried to mimic him as best as I could.

I was getting some control over my breathing when Kellin asked  Vic to go and get me a drink. He then moved up on the couch beside of me and pulled me to his side. I started to shuffle back but after glancing at Kellin, as if making sure it was really him, I let him pull me into his arms. I was still stiff in his arms even though I let him hold me and I think Kellin seemed to notice. Vic was quick to some back with a glass of water and I held it in my hands, not drinking it, just holding it. The glass shook slightly since my hands were shaking and my insides seemed to shake as well.

I didn't feel like myself. I felt so...so used. I felt violated. The worst part was that I couldn't remember any of it. I couldn't remember anything she had said happened, but I knew. I knew something did happen, even if I couldn't remember it. In a way I wish I could remember it. If I did maybe I could pinpoint where everything went wrong, then again maybe I already knew when everything went wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to go anywhere with that girl. Maybe I shouldn't have told anyone I was gay. Maybe I shouldn't have been born. If any of those things had gone differently I probably wouldn't be in this position right now.

I put myself in it. It was my fault. If I wasn't gay I wouldn't have had to come out to my parents. If I hadn't have had to came out to my parents they wouldn't have put me in Mrs. Adams group. If I hadn't have been put in her group I wouldn't have been forced to hang out with Megan. If I hadn't have been forced to hang out with Megan then I wouldn't have been made to go to that party with her. If I hadn't went to that party with her then she wouldn't have..

I felt another wave of tears wash over me and it seemed the room was closing in on me. There was only two people beside of me but it was two too much at the moment. I put my head in my hands and that was went I smelt it. It was the scent of perfume. Her perfume. The smell made my eyes swell up more. I needed to get it off of me.
"Can I take a shower?" I asked quietly.
"Of course Alan, are you okay?"
"Can I just go please?" I said in barely a whisper. Kellin moved his arm from around me and I slowly get up and make my way towards the stairs.
"Um I'll be down in a few." I said and they both nodded with worried expressions on their faces. It was rude of me to leave them but I had to get every trace of her off of me.