Unspoken

[the end]

" The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained. "

julia torrence

February was ending and the days seemed to drag. But not for you. You were at your ultimate high. Constant parties and excessive tardies and absences. The only reason you were still enrolled in Trenton Central High School was the generous fund your father donated every year.

The last Saturday of February, Nick was hosting a party. I don't know what made this party any different than the others but that night made everything different. The fact that even Beau, Felicity's sometimes quiet boyfriend, was going was one thing. Felicity only went to one of Nick's parties and swore to never attend one ever again. So I knew for a fact Felicity wouldn't be attending that festivity.

For once, I didn't have a lot of school work to worry about so I invited Elise and Felicity over. It kind of goes against my whole shy and quiet personality I often display. Felicity couldn't come over because she had a family get together. Elise arrived at seven o'clock and we hoarded all the junk food we could carry to my room and powered up Netflix on my Wii. We binged on salty snacks and Grey's Anatomy.

"Derek is hot," Elise gushed.

Normally I would disagree considering he is more than twice our age but I had to admit, "McDreamy is."

We laughed while throwing popcorn at each other. After almost half a dozen episodes, we went lights out with the TV on.

Later that night, after Elise and I fell asleep, I stirred when I heard my door creak open. The hallway light assaulted my eyes but then a shadow obscured it. My mom gently shook me awake.

"Honey, Julia, wake up." My mom's face was etched in worry lines and her eyes looked watery. I saw her glance at Elise as she too started to stir awake.

"What?" my voice was groggy and I coughed trying to sound clearer, "What's wrong?"

"Anne called me in tears. She needs me to go to the hospital with her. She needs support." With that I instantly sat up. It was too late or maybe early to hear that. I began to think that maybe something happened to Alyssa, Vince, or you.

"I think it's best if Elise goes home," my mom looked at Elise as she fully started to connect with the conversation.

Elise blinked unsure and my mom spoke quickly, "I'll drive you home sweetie. I just don't want you girls alone together. Actually how about you stay with Elise?" Mom looked back at me.

"I don't know what's going on. Is someone hurt?" I was really starting to worry about you. She didn't even say it was you but you were the only one I could think of.

"Oh honey," tears slipped out of my mom's eyes and I felt an ache in my chest. I could feel a panic attack on its way, "Don't worry. Just go with Elise and I'll pick you up in the morning."

Elise and I looked at each other and could tell it was a serious matter. I numbly slipped on some shoes and Elise called her mom.

I didn't sleep that night or the next.

My mom had picked me up at noon the next day and as she blubbered she told me you died in a car accident. You were driving and Raymond was in the passenger seat. You were both drunk but the surprising thing was that it wasn't your fault. You stepped on the gas pedal right when the light turned green but another drunk driver hit you from the driver's side. He was the one to run a red light and drove into the side of your car causing major internal fractures and bleeding. My mom explained how they tried to resuscitate you but the blood loss was extreme and your body gave up.

I stared blankly at my mom as she drove back to the house. My mom sat on a wooden chair by the kitchen table and my dad went over to try to comfort her. That was the first touch I'd seen between my parents in weeks. She said your funeral would be next week but I tried to ignore it as I walked to my room. That night felt chillier in Trenton. As I put on my earphones on and I pressed play to my music, I let tears cascade down my cheeks.

Attending your funeral was difficult. Seeing all those people dressed in black with "solemn" expressions on their faces made me angry. To me they were all liars because they didn't really know you well enough yet they were attending your funeral and claiming they were crushed that you were gone. But I was being a bit hypocritical. I didn't even know you well enough.

Considering you were a fellow peer and my mom was practically best friends with yours, I had a hard time trying to come up with an excuse to not attend it. My mom and your mom always thought we'd hit it off as kids and when they saw we would barely acknowledge each other's presence did they slowly start to back off on the idea of 'Julia and Will are going to be best friends'. My mom and dad didn't expect too much grief from me so instead I showed them none.

However when my mom found me bawling my eyes out- I had forgotten to lock my bedroom door-, curled up in my bed, did she begin worry. I even started to worry on how much you meant to me, Will. She insisted on me seeing a therapist, counselor, shrink or someone. I wanted to yell at her that I didn't a professional to analyze my emotions and prescribe medication that is probably long overdue. I needed solitude. The best person to analyze my emotions and figure out exactly how I was feeling was me.

The days and weeks seemed to pass in quiet. Not for too long though, by the middle of March, Nick was back to throwing parties. The city cops were more on the cautious side with the parties. They stopped almost everyone leaving a party or constantly did breathalyzers on drivers. They didn't want another Will Evans incident.

In those days I stayed quiet in school and at home. Even Elise and Felicity were picking up on my somber mood. It'd probably be best if I told someone of our relationship. I'm not being some sort of delusional girl who thought we were in a relationship. We were more of a twisted frenemy relationship. But I slowly started to stop seeing you as an enemy a long time ago.

Raymond wasn't around at school or anywhere for a while. The fact that only you died and Raymond survived with broken bones and a head injury really baffled him. You were his best friend. Raymond didn't return to school until a couple of weeks before graduation. They are letting him walk across the stage to get his diploma.

Graduation day they made a tribute to you and longer speech on the dangers of drinking and driving. After the ceremony and the whole cap throwing, I made an excuse of needing to go somewhere important without specifying exactly where to my mom and instead drove to the Holy Sepulchre Cemetery.

My parents didn't really teach me how to drive. My dad did at the most, two sessions of driving lessons then didn't bother again. I had embarrassingly asked Felicity's boyfriend, Beau for lessons in junior year. That lasted for a while until I joined a driver's ed class in school.

The cemetery was surprisingly deserted. I had really hoped your family didn't decide to drop by at the exact moment as I, so I treaded with caution. Finding your grave and seeing your name engraved in stone, made all the surreal feelings of your death become painfully real. I didn't know I was holding back so much until I knelt in front of your grave.

I had realized something. In the decade that we knew each other, we never properly greeted each other or even used each other's name in a sentence. But as I knelt down on the thin patch of growing itchy grass, my lips lifted into a wobbly smile,

"Hi Will."

I felt as if an imaginary weight was lifted off of me. It was the closure I needed.

It felt weird talking to your gravestone but I felt as if you were there. Even if I imagined it or pretended for that short while that you were there, it gave me a sense of hope and security. I left the cemetery with a promise of returning.

You weren't always an arrogant, annoying jerk because when I got to see glimpses of the real Will, I knew I never hated you. I'm pretty sure I was secretly- even to myself- in love with the mysterious Will Evans.