The Search ➳ Merthur

chapter eleven

"That's..."

"Today is the first time it seems like you actually slept, no doubt because you went to stay with Merlin last night. You barely ever see him too, and I know how much he means to you." Arthur could only gape at her, because when had he told her about Merlin, exactly? "Don't look at me like that, Gwen is my handmaiden and also one of his closest friends. She wouldn't lie to me about where she thinks you've been."

"Morgana... I..." Arthur started, but found he couldn't form words to express what he wanted to say. He wanted her to know that he just hadn't gotten around to telling her that he'd been seeing someone, not that he'd wanted to keep it from her. It had just sort of happened? But how could he tell her why?

"Save it, I don't need your explanations. I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy yourself, and I'm glad that you can have that with him." She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him comfortingly. He mirrored her action and took the offered solace, realizing how tense he actually was.

Morgana was right.

He'd been so fixated on trying to find Emrys that he'd forgotten about the more important things. His friends, the knights, were worried for his health. He'd barely seen them except for when training, and he'd hadn't gone for a drink at the tavern with them in months. Morgana had become more of a memory in the time span, instead of someone who slept only a few rooms away. The only times he saw Merlin over the past few weeks was when he invited Arthur, never had he, himself, invited Merlin out. He suddenly hoped he hadn't given off the wrong impression to Merlin, because he really did like him, very much so.

It was as if he'd lost his sense of self, becoming an animal that survived only on searching for one thing its entire life. It had become his sustenance; the only reason he strived to live everyday.

Frankly, he was disgusted by it. How had he let himself become so consumed in the search for this sorcerer? It had torn apart his life in the process. He was cracked from the inside out; if he was pushed even the slightest bit more, he would break. All of his endeavors will have been for nothing, hell, they were already worth nothing, because what was the point of wasting his life away in the search for someone who wasn't causing any harm and didn't want to be found?

Arthur pulled away from the hug and looked at Morgana, who observed him carefully. His lips carefully lifted into a smile and she smiled back.

"You're right, Morgana." He said.

"Of course I am." She said, smirking at him before laughing as he glared at her. Patting him on the shoulder, she walked out of the room. "Good luck with whatever you're going to do now, little brother."

Arthur let out a sigh, plopping onto his bed and wondering, what am I going to do now?

~•~

"Merlin, are you alright? You've seemed distant lately." Gwen said, in that motherly tone of hers, and Merlin immediately wanted to spill everything to her. About his magic, about Arthur,—granted, he figured she already knew about that—about the fact that he was the Emrys that Arthur was so intent on catching. However, he couldn't say anything about those things, so he lifted his lips in a close-mouthed smile and tried to look as if he was alright.

"I'm alright, just a bit tired." He said. She narrowed her eyes at him, in that very Gwen way, and he looked away from her before she could zero in on him. She'd arrived under the pretense of bringing over some dinner, but after she'd placed the plates down, she immediately began questioning Merlin on what he'd been doing the past few weeks. He had yet to tell her about his relationship with Arthur, so he figured she was trying to fish it out of him. There was nothing he could do but just spit it out so she was satisfied.