Youth Unsupervised

Chapter 21-Renewal

To my surprise, Saki showed up that night and crawled into my bed. I don't even think I was really asleep yet. My head was being too loud. I kept replaying events that happened between the spring and what had happened earlier that day, but it was no use. I couldn't put the pieces together.

She got into bed next to me silently, like she always did, like everything was normal. I stared at her back for a few minutes before I decided to test my luck.

"Hi, Saki," I said quietly.

"Hi, Kaito," she answered.

She certainly sounded more like her usual self. She wasn't snapping at me or making odd threats.

"Feeling better?" I asked.

She snorted. "I guess? What does that mean?"

"You seemed..." I wasn't sure how to say it without offending her.

"Crazy?" She turned over to face me.

I cracked a smile. "I was going to say something like agitated."

"When am I not?" She grinned.

I chuckled. "More agitated?"

She nodded. "Don't worry about it. You should really try and stay away from me when I get like that."

"I don't want to stay away from you," I said softly. "I want to know how I can help you."

"You can't." She smiled weakly. "I just have to stay away until it passes."

"You don't have to do that." My eyes took on a pained look I hoped she couldn't see. "You can always come here."

"I'll break everything," she whispered.

"I don't care," I said. "It's just stuff."

"No," she corrected. "I break people too. I drive them away."

"You couldn't drive me away," I said. "You wouldn't hurt me."

"I would." She closed her eyes. "You have no idea how horrible I can be. How horrible I was to people in the past. I don't want to do that to you."

My fingers tensed under the covers as I resisted the urge to reach out and touch her face, to hold her in my arms. "I can take whatever you can throw at me, Saki. If a punching bag is what you need-"

"I don't want that." She cut me off. "You're the first friend I've had in so long. It would hurt me so much to do that to you."

The silence grew between us. How could I debate that? I wanted so much for her to rely on me, but how could I ask her to do something that hurt her? Was there really no way to take her pain away?

"Saki," I said, finally breaking the silence.

"Hm?" she answered sleepily.

"I'm going to start making a futon up for me at night, in case you come," I said. "You can have the bed. I don't want to overstep my boundaries again. It will be easier for me this way."

She opened her eyes and nodded at me. "I understand."

She rolled over and I was left to my thoughts again. I couldn't see her eyes in that moment before she turned over. Was she relieved? Happy? Sad? Disgusted? I didn't know.

I'm so sorry, Saki. Sorry I couldn't be stronger for you.

Slowly the winter faded into spring. With it, came fresh green grass and those familiar cherry blossoms. I strived to be what Saki needed, rather than what I wanted. I no longer flirted with her. I sat a respectable distance away from her. I even slept on the floor every night, just in case she happened to wander in. As the world around us began its yearly renewal, so did I. I slowly let the old me die, making way for a new me, a better me.