Fight With Fire

46

There must have been some part of me that understood what happened but I was in denial. I refused to admit to myself that there was something I had wanted more than Adrian's life, that Adrian had given his last ounce of energy to grant my greatest wish, that I had woken up in Adrian's arms and he was dead.

It was a curse that his eyes were closed as if he were sleeping. That his arms, that were still wrapped around me, were warm.

But it was my body heat that kept Adrian's arms warm. And underneath his eyelids, there was no light swirling in eyes. No energy hidden in the different shades of blue.

I will never get lost in those deep eyes because there was no depth in them anymore.

He was dead.

And it was because of me.

"No." I whisper quietly as I untangle myself from Adrian's limp arms. I fall to the ground with a thump but everything is numb.

"No." I repeat louder. I try to get up off the floor but my legs are numb. Past numb, they are dead... like Adrian.

"NO! NO NO NO!!!!!" I scream through my sobs as I drag myself away from the bed. Away from where Adrian is sitting. Was sitting. Adrian isn't there anymore

"Adrian?" I hear Gwen's distressed voice coming into the room.

"Gwen, just calm-" Olivia sees Adrian the same time that Gwen does.

"Adrian!" Gwen stumbles across the room but Olivia intercepts her and they collapse in a heap on the floor at the foot of the bed. "ADRIAN..." Gwen cries reaching towards the bed from Olivia's arms.

"I need to-" I start trying to stand again before I remember I can't.

"You!" Gwen screams through her tears pointing at me. "This is all your fault! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! This is all your..." Gwen erupts into more tears and Olivia silently comforts her.

"I need to go." I whisper before dragging myself across the room and out the door. The tears keep coming, dripping every second away. More seconds pass without Adrian. More minutes.

Somehow I end up in my room sitting in front of the mirror. The only thing that can distract me from falling into the downward spiral of self pity is to look at my new iae. As much as I hate to think of that last moment, I can't help but agree with his words.

Your true iae is so beautiful.

Those were his last words. The last sound that ever escaped his mouth. The last thought he had. I was the last person he had spoken to. I was going to have to live with that fact for the rest of my life.

It wasn't until this moment that I truly understood what Adrian had done for me. As much as I want to fight it and hate myself for it, I am relieved. It turns out, that more than anything else in the world, I had wanted to be free. I had wanted to stop hiding my Aerdell and just know and be able to live with what it is. So Adrian gave me just that. He took the layers of ink and gave me all the energy that I have been making Finn take.

He gave it all back and made me okay with it. He let me truly live for the first moment since I started to garnish at the expense of his life. All the energy he had left, he gave to me.

He would never see the love of his life again because he helped me before Gwen could arrive. He could've saved his energy to free Gwen from her complicated love triangle.

There are so many things he could've done as his last moment but he wasted them on me. I want to hate myself for it but I am so grateful to Adrian. As much as I can't live with what Adrian did for me, I couldn't have lived in hiding for any longer. And he knew that. He's always understood me and this is an example that he knew me better than I knew myself.

I am trapped in an unbearable yet familiar wave of self pity. Charlie died telling me to better but he never even knew about me. Yet he forgave me for everything I did to everyone and everything I did to him. I pushed him and he couldn't handle it.

I may not be the reason Adrian was dying, but I was the reason he didn't have one more day or week or month. I begged him to grant me my greatest desire thinking it would save him. I was naive. I ended up just saving myself.

What bothers me is I had to know, somewhere deep down, that I didn't truly want Adrian to live. I am selfish and naive and didn't deserve the last day of Adrian's life anymore than Ms. Fields deserved his many years.

I can't get up and pace, but I can punch. And I can punch hard.

There is something so satisfying and freeing about the crack of glass. Small shards pulling apart in neat lines. Beautiful designs created from ugly rage. The small pieces fall out of the frame and shards get caught in my hand but I don't stop. I keep punching the mirror watching as the cracks fill with thick, red blood. I watch as the figure in front of me becomes farther and farther from resemblance to me.

Only when the mirror is coated in red; only when the pieces are so broken so much that there is more hole than mirror; only when the shape in front of me finally matches what I feel like on the inside; do I finally stop.

This is a reflection that I feel comfortable with.