TABOO

Twenty Seven.

"Underneath" - Adam Lambert

Mom is a mess when Harry and I enter through the front door. She sits on the couch, her knees up to her chest and her head in her hands. When she looks up, I break out into tears again the moment that her bloodshot eyes connect with mine. Harry and I both drop our luggage and go to her, me sitting beside her and him kneeling down on the floor in front of her.

"It will be okay." I murmur to her, not even believing the words myself. "We'll all be here for you, for each other."

Harry stays silent as he moves Mom's hair from her face and tucks it behind her ears. Kate enters the room from the kitchen and her face matches ours, red puffy eyes and a sad curve to her lips. No one says anything for a few minutes as we let everything sink in. Nothing will ever be the same for any of us.

We spend the day together remembering Dad, and trying our best to stay positive. I'm the worse one out of us all, not being able to stop my random outbursts of tears. I know I need to stay strong for Mom, but it's almost too much for me. We're all staying here for the night and when eleven thirty rolls around, Harry and I are the only ones still awake.

"Guess we should get some sleep. We have things to do tomorrow. A family dinner and planning a funeral." Harry says solemnly.

I nod and flee from the downstairs living room up to my bedroom. I'm changed into a nightie and laying flat on my back in bed within minutes. I twist, turn, cry, pace the floor, and give thought to jumping out my window as I can't find sleep.

Someone can be gone in the blink of an eye, and that's why you should always tell people how you really feel. If you wait, you could be too late and lose the chance forever. An hour passes, and I know I need to do something so I can get some peace of mind. Creeping out of my room and down the hall, I knock softly on Harry's bedroom door. I knock again without getting an answer, so I push it open and find him sleeping at the edge of his bed curled up in a ball with his thick blanket. Pushing the door closed again, I flick on the lamp that sets on his nightstand.

"Harry," I say, shaking his shoulder gently. "Harry,"

He moves a little and his eyes blink open lazily, finding mine in the dim light. He stays silent but scoots over to give me room to sit next to him. I do just that and run my fingers through his thick hair, missing how long it used to be.

"Stella," he warns.

"I didn't mean what I said before, I was just hurt, and I lashed out. I wanted you to feel the hurt and betrayal that I did when I learned you were with someone else. I let the jealousy get the best of me. I love you and hope that you can forgive me."

"I didn't mean what I said either. I said those things because I believed you. I thought you never loved me and I wanted you to think your words didn't affect me. I wanted to come off as untouchable, like I couldn't be hurt."

I stay quiet, drinking in his words, letting them swirl through my mind.

He continues on. "Part of it was true, though. You could find someone else who you could actually be with without the hiding and secrecy. And it's true, I should think of your happiness before mine if I really wanted what's best for you." He pauses then and sets up with his knees bent, letting the blanket fall to reveal his chest. "I'm not strong, though, I'm selfish and want to keep you for myself."

"I could turn the tables on this one. You could be with someone who you wouldn't have to hide with. There's probably an endless list of girls who are just waiting for you. You could be with someone that makes you happy, that you could be with out in the open with no secrets." I say.

"But you don't want that, do you?" Harry asks. "You're selfish too and want me all for yourself. When either of us are with someone else, we let the jealousy get to us. It's too much, and no matter what happens between us, we somehow find our way back to each other."

"Dad being gone made me realize something. Me or you or anyone could be gone in a flash. Our lives could end before we get the chance to be free and do what we want. I just wanted to let you know how I felt because if something happened to either of us, I wouldn't want things to end with you believing a lie."

Harry runs his hand through my tangled hair and down my jawline. I lean into his touch and sigh, feeling some of the tension leave my body.

"Since we're being honest here," he starts, "I was going to hook up with Marissa, but it didn't happen. I couldn't do it because all I could think about was you. When she came back into my room naked, I made up an excuse and she redressed and went home."

My heartbeat picks up. "So what are we doing here, Harry? We can't be together, but we can't be apart either."

He doesn't answer but pulls me closer, wrapping an arm around me and kisses me like he's smothering and I'm the last source of oxygen on earth. His soft lips move on mine and don't stop, but he makes no moves to take things any farther. I could just kiss him all night long and never complain about anything again. Too soon, he pulls away from me, and in the dim light I can still see the sadness in his green eyes.

"How long until you go back to New York?" I ask, knowing I won't be going back because there's no way I could have gotten the part in the movie.

"I don't know yet. We'll get through What's happening here first, and then I'll figure it out."

"Don't screw up your career. Dad wouldn't want that." I say, sniffling.

"Your coming back to NYC with me when I go, little sister. Dad always knew you wanted to act and model, and he wouldn't want you to miss out on following your dreams." Harry says, giving me one more short kiss. "Get in, let's sleep." He pulls his blanket back and scoots over.

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