BEAU (original version)| ✓

34

• CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR •
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"Something's on your mind."

I walk ahead of Kendra with my head tilted up at the sun, watching it sink lower and streaking the sky violet. The streets are quiet during the late evening and large, grey clouds are already forming; a promise of snowfall. I take a second to admire the heavens, then march on as Kendra calls my name.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She snatches my cold fingers, putting a stop to my meaningless pacing and brings her shoulder-to-shoulder with me.

I look up at the sky again, purposefully avoiding her searching eyes. I'm not immune to their effect and I would rather fool myself into believing that I have my life under control than to feel that I don't – I really don't.

"We've been walking in circles for hours," Kendra draws in a deep breath and releases it, the air around us turning it white. "I'm getting tired."

So am I; my body needs rest and my mind needs to shut itself down. "Let's go home."

"We will, but talk to me first, Beau."

She holds onto my hand, bleary-eyed as she lets her gaze wander the quiet street. My left-hand cups her cheek and beckons her attention back to me. I give her a wearisome smile, love without all the glamour, and kiss her parted lips.

I break our sweet embrace and interlock our fingers, my thumbs brushing over her knuckles as I pull her into my body heat. I feel her shiver against me then relax. We exchange a glance, and she allows me to guide her home.

The hours we spent together were wordless. It took longer than I suspected to digest what mom had told me. I'm still trying to break it down inside my mind, but I haven't gone very far. The more questions I answer, the more questions I get. It's all one, unending loop; as I untangle the ropes, I form more knots.

"Why don't you trust me?" Kendra's voice is softly deflating, reminding me of her presence. "Why do you keep hiding things?"

I feel as though I'm leaking electricity and losing all my strength. "I do trust you and I'm not hiding anything from you. Believe me, if something was on my mind you'd be the first I'd tell."

"It wasn't like that before. The reason we broke up was because you didn't trust me."

My face morphs into a scowl at the road ahead, the flames of anger licking my skin hot. "I thought we moved on, Kendra. The past is in the past. I'm sorry, alright?"

Kendra gives up and says nothing thereafter. My gaze slides to her sidelong – her head is angled forward, eyes steady on the cracked sidewalk. Guilt nips at me like the frigid weather at the sight of her so crestfallen because of me. She's only worried and that's no crime. I should have been gentler with her just like how I should have been gentler with mom. They have a right to care. But that doesn't overlook the fact that they've all kept things from me in the past.

I think about it and it paints me with a scowl.

"Can I ask you something?" The sigh that escapes Kendra is slow but fleeting. I stare down at her, my guts twisting in anticipation. "Have you been using drugs?"

I guess she's had enough of avoiding the topic. She fixes me with a look of complete seriousness and purses her lips, expecting a straightforward answer. But nothing about me is straightforward. I didn't use heroin because I wanted to. I really didn't. I had to – it was an easy escape, unlike her question.

"After we broke up," I start. "It was only a bit of weed and alcohol. Nothing major."

Kendra stares my way, her face riddled with worry. "I've noticed things, Beau. It's more than weed." She stops speaking then gazes heavenward at the beginnings of light snowfall. "Are you unhappy?"