Imprinted → lashton [book one]

0.5

After about three hours of talking, Calum starts getting hungry and pouting. We move downstairs to watch TV and eat crisps. Ashton didn't eat any.

Once Calum left, it was just Ashton and I. We made our way back up to my room. I finally let out the question, once again, "Ashton, why don't you eat?" He freezes, dropping the album he's holding. I automatically know I said the wrong thing. "I, um, I can't." Silence. "You can't?"

He sighs, "I can't..." He's crying now, and it's my fault. I hug him, he pushes me away. "I moved here because I got bullied... I got called fat, an emo, a fag, anything really. They would hurt me, beat me up, and pushed me into the lockers. They'd followed me everywhere. They'd send me tweets, or they would message me on Tumblr. I could never escape. So I came here, to get away. That didn't work. Everyone here already hates me. I've already been called a fag and fat. I stopped eating a while ago. I have extreme anorexia and borderline anxiety. I started self-harming in Grade 9. When I was forced to get into my physical education uniform in Grade 10, I tried so hard to hide my scars, I couldn't. Everyone saw them. It got worse. They'd tell me to kill myself, to cut more. I would cry myself to sleep. I came here expecting everything to be the same, than you came along, Luke." I'm crying with him, hugging him again, this time he lets me. "You cared about me and even got me a friend, Michael, and I think Calum is okay with me. I've tried to eat, but it just comes back up. I'm sorry, Luke. I'm sorry I'm not perfect."

He wipes his tears away before wiping mine. "It's okay, Ashton; that's okay." I look at my time.

00.56.07.

Ashton's looking at it too, he slowly leans away from me. "You should get ready. You don't want to leave them waiting." He smiles gently at me, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "I'll see you there, Luke." He walks out my room, leaving me to my own tears.

-

Once I got at the game, I searched for Ashton, finding him, Michael, and Calum chatting. I smile to myself before walking to them.

00.24.08.

I join in on their conversation to calm down my nerves. It doesn't work. Thoughts are racing through my head. They won't show. They won't like me if they even show.

Calum tries to calm me down once he realizes me wiping my hands on my pants to get the sweat off. Michael and Ashton join in.

00.10.05.

I look around, no one else looks nervous; no one else looks like they're looking for their soul-mate. I decide to make my way to the front of the bleachers. I'm shaking now.

00.04.03.

I wipe the palms of my hands again. Everyone is still focused on the boys on the field, kicking a ball to each other. My heart rate is speeding up by the second. Everything is in a blur; it's all in slow motion.

00.02.14.

I straighten out my shirt with my awkwardly long fingers. There is no way I can do this. None. Fear sets in my stomach making its way through my body.

00.01.24.

My mother said I should be excited about this, but I was more nervous than anything. I was everything actually. Happy, sad, excited, nervous. I was about to explode with emotions, if that makes any sense. This was it; the moment I've been waiting for. I'm scared. I'm scared it will disappoint me.

00.01.02.

I sit down, looking at Calum, he's talking to Michael, but Ashton is staring right at me, as if reading my thoughts. What if they're not here?

00.00.48.

I clench my fists in fear. They're not here. They're not here. I start watching the game. I can't help but watch the timer on the scoreboard, almost making me look at mine.

00.00.23.

How is time going by so quickly? I'm scared. Why am I so scared?

00.00.15.

I'm horrified, no one, I mean no one, is looking around. I look at Ashton again; he gives me a reassuring smile.

00.00.10.

I start the countdown in my head. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0.

I'm still sitting alone; people are walking by me, talking and chatting. I start to scratch at my wrist. No, no, no, no. I'm crying now, tears running down my face quickly. I feel arms wrap around me; their Ashton's. I hide my face in his chest, letting myself cry. Calum and Michael quickly follow. I'm still scratching at my wrist, trying to get rid of the evidence that I'm a fuck up.

Michael drives me home after that. They all insisted they stay the night, but I wanted to be alone.

I'm a fuck up.

Ashton kept giving me worried glances throughout the entire ride. I walk into the house, completely ignoring mum, and walking up stairs, slamming the door behind me.

I'm a fuck up.

I'm crying again. The numbers. 00.00.00. They're still the same, they're not changing. I'm desperately wiping my tears, they won't stop.

I'm a fuck up.

I'll always be a fuck up.