Deadly

Chapter Nine

Alone. Alone. From hospitals with dead girls walking the halls to padded rooms with smiling doctors plaid in white. I was alone, eerily alone with a door locked close to keep everything and everyone away. I was a diseased girl; a deadly girl. To myself. To others.To everyone.

   They locked me away in the tower when they realized why there were cuts running down the lengths of my arms. They took away the razor blades and replaced them with pretty pills.

I’m a zombie now. The fat oozes out of me as they force tubes down my throat. I gag on the superficial nutrients as they slide down into my hollow bones. I was meant to be a skeleton not a gluttonous pig.Did they hate me as much as I did? Why did they feel the need to torture me? Hadn’t life tortured me enough as it was?

I have no visitors. I have no letters to remind me that I am a real person. No Cat. No Atreyu. No Ashden. Not even my parents would come see me. I was a living disgrace to them now. Did anyone remember me? Did anyone think of me now? The broken girl who couldn’t figure out a way to make everything ok?

I lay on the stiff mattress in my room. Bundled up tight to keep the cold away. I miss Sprinkles at times like these. There’s no comfort to be found in this prison cell they’ve locked me up in.

“This will make you better”, they lie through their teeth. How did needles and pretty pills fix the mess I had become? Were there even enough drugs in the world to make me ok again?

 I think about this as I stare at the peeling ceiling. Why did I do this to myself? Did I really want to be ok? Or was this all just a waste of time and money? Would it be easier to just die? That last thought catches me in a death grip.

Did I deserve to live at this point? Who did I really have to live for? I had hurt Atreyu to the point where I don’t know if he’d ever trust me again. Ashden wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Cat was more than likely pissed at me since Atreyu was her friend. There wasn’t one thing that Cat hated more than a cheater. So why did I keep trying to please people? Why was I still struggling to fix everything I had fucked up?

I could end everything so easily. Take a sheet, rip it up into a nice pretty rope and tie myself a noose. My neck would snap and everything would go right again because I wouldn’t be there to fuck anything else up. It was an easy solution. Would anyone really miss me?

But what would happen if Atreyu changed his mind? Wanted to be more than just friends? What if he forgave me? What if I was dead when he did…? Could I live with myself if I opted out of everything and missed my chance to be with Atreyu again?

I shove everything out of my mind. I wouldn’t get better if I kept thinking like this. This is why I was stuck in this place to begin with. Because I had a disease and it needed a cure that no one may ever be able to give me. I close my eyes after a while. Happy thoughts made things easier. They would end the nightmare this life had become. I would be ok again whether it killed me or not. Whether I really wanted it or not. I needed to live. To find out if there was a chance in Hell of me winning my prince charming back.