Deadly

Chapter 13

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I finally get a visitor. Mom. She strides in like she owns the place with her aura of power wrapped tightly around her thick frame. She was a doctor. One of the best. When she was home, she never had time to spend with me. She wanted to be with dad doing errands like a normal married couple.Sometimes I wondered if she was too proud to acknowledge that a fuck up like me was her daughter.

"December", she sits down in front of me at one of the rec tables. They had just started taking me out of my room. Probably on her request.

I don't answer. Instead I keep my gaze steady on the table, staring at the void that exists only in my mind. I can see the frown settle on her face from the corner of my eye. She didn't really want to be here, sitting across from her diseased daughter. I could tell from the minute she walked in. But maybe if I play nice she'll let me see that note.

"Mommy..."

"What were you thinking December?"

"I don't know. I got lost mommy.."

" You got lost? How? What does that even mean? Do you understand what you've done?"

No. I don't understand what I've done. I was only surviving the hell hole of a world I was placed into. I was only looking for acceptance and love. From me. From her. From the opposite sex. And I came so close only to watch it slip between my fingers. Atreyu...

"I'm sick."

"Yes. You are."

"But I don't want to be. I want to get better."

"Do you? Truly?"

"More than anything."

She takes a deep breath,"The nurse said you were asking to see Atreyu's suicide note."

It was time to be honest with her for the first time in a long time. I needed her to understand. I needed to see that note.

"I have to understand mom. I need closure."

"Understand what?"

"Why he did it? He seemed fine the last time I saw him."

"I shouldn"t tell you this."

"Tell me what?"

"Atreyu left a note for you. It was found beside the suicide note he wrote. I haven't seen it yet."

"Where is it?"

"His parents gave it to me."

"Do you have it with you?'

"Yes."

"Let me see it. Please Mom. I need to know that this wasn't my fault." That was a lie. I already know it's my fault he's dead but I needed that note.

"If you promise me you'll try to get better I will."

"I promise."

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of notebook paper. It looks like any average note except for the fact that 'Dec' is written in thick black ink on the front. I take it from her hand when she hands it to me. This was it. My answers to everything. My fuel to end my fire.