Deadly

Chapter Six

I’m cold; shivering bones with not enough fat to keep myself warm. Atreyu won’t talk to me. Ashden is pissed off as usual. I’m more alone than I ever was before. The winds beats me down into a small tiny ball of flesh. I hold myself to fight off the chill. This is my punishment. This is what I get for hurting someone who never deserved to get hurt.

I put Sprinkles away after last night. Locked her up in my closet so my disease couldn’t spread to her. I found a new friend today. A friend i hadn’t played with in a very long time.

Razor. Razor. Razor. Sticky red fills my hand. I cut from my fingertip to my palm. I’ll cut away all the bad parts of me. I’ll end the pain for a little while with this new friend. I watch the blood flow and smile weakly. Now I remember why I started these playdates so long ago. THey didn’t make me feel better. They caused more harm more than anything. But they made accepting the pain easier to bare. They made me feel safe because it was one less stranger to hurt me.

Ashden never questioned the scars. A sick part of me thought it made him happy. December in pain? Who wouldn’t want that? I bet Atreyu did. More than anything now after he finding out who I really was. I couldn’t say that I blamed him. I hated myself too.

Mirror. Mirror. Mirror. Tell me all your lies as your dark blades slice me. Show me the ugly truth that I no longer can deny. I am one with you. I am trapped within your spell. Paint my reflection to be everything I will never be able to.

No one knew what really went on inside this head of mine. They didn't see the rotten insides hiding in this pretty disguise. Skin hides all the bad parts. The parts you don't want to show.

There's no comfort left for me. But I don't deserve any not after what I've done. My phone buzzes. I already know it's not Atreyu. Ashden maybe? I check my phone. No doubt it's him.

Ashden- hang out with me today

He's mad. Me- when?

Ashden- now

Me-where?

Ashden- my house.now stop asking fucking questions.

Me- on my way

I don't hesitate. I knew what was coming. I've been here too many times not to. His beatings were routine. He'd finally found someone who truly deserved them. This was my reward. My feet move in quick robotic steps. My mind wanders to another world; a different me. Atreyu… if only he knew. Would he forgive me? If I just told him why? About Ashden? The Beatings? Could he ever really understand?

Ashden’s house is quiet; eerie almost. A mass of sycamore trees surround it casting darkness on the dirty white siding. It suits him in a way. Like a place where a monster would reside. I take a moment to catch my breath.

He’d be there waiting in the shadows just like always. On the bed in his room tucked away neatly in the corner by the window. Up the stairs where the grass grows high is where his parents sleep. But they never hear me scream. Their never home to hear me.

I walk in with the grace of a stick. My bones take me to him, silently deceiving me. My hands toy with the frayed ends of my hoodie. It didn’t matter how many times I walked these halls, I was still scared.

“December!That you?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on. I don’t have all day.”

You don’t but I do. I have all day to mourn for the broken bones that were once whole. Or the once pale skin now blotted with bruises. I have all day to cry and bleed and break and no one will ever come to my rescue.

His footsteps come; angry and harsh. I tremble in his wake. “I said come here.”

           Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!Don’t. Hit. Me. Don’t. Hit. Me. Don’t. Hit. Me. Don’t. Hit. Me….Please.

His fist cracks my jawline with a blaze of fire to follow. I crumple to the floor unable to hold back the scream tucked into the back of my throat. He curses and then I feel his fist against. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. Again and again. My ribs screech in protest. My body burns in pain. I can’t think straight. My vision is blurred with my tears.

“Whose Atreyu?”

What? What had he just said? No..How had he known? Why did Atreyu have to tell him?

“Who?”

“Don’t play stupid!”, his foot collides with my face and I gag on the taste of blood filling my mouth. I was going to die today.

“I’m sorry…”, its the only thing I can think to say.

“Sorry isn’t good enough,” he snarls. I feel his fist on me again.Beating the life out of me. It hurts to breathe. To move. To scream.

How did Atreyu know? How did he find out? Why didn’t I see this coming?

“Ashden please…”

“Don’t beg me! Don’t fucking beg me now! You did this!You did this to us!”

He was right in some sick delusional way. I had done this to myself. I had done the one thing Ashden would never forgive me for. And the more I thought about it, I realized I didn’t care anymore.

   1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.11. How much more? How much more before there was nothing left to beat out of me. He stops hitting me for a moment. One small precious moment. He waves something in front of my face. Metal. A knife?...

“Ashden no!”

“Yes!”

I feel the knife as it skirts against my skin, opening both new and old wounds. I feel the blood as it leaks out of me. All the bad stuff running away so that I can be clean and pure on the inside. He cuts deeper and deeper, each pull of the knife is another pull of my life. I’m falling fast and there’s no one who will ever help me.

“Please…”

He falters eventually. I hear the knife hit the floor. It’s over. It’s over. Oh please God let it be over. Tears run down my cheeks. I can’t hold in the pain anymore.

“Don’t ever tell anyone about this!”, his breath hits my face in a fatal warmth that creeps against my blood soaked skin and leaves goosebumps in its wake.

“I won’t”, I whisper.

“As far as we’re concerned, we’re over. I don’t ever want to see your face again! Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Then hurry up and get the fuck out!”

I try to sit up but everything hurts and I can’t quite find the strength to stand. Ashden grabs me roughly by the arms and pulls me up. He drags me out of the house and tosses me like a sack of potatoes out into the yard. He storms off leaving me there all alone.

  I weakly grab my phone out of my jeans pocket. I text the only person I can think of.

Me- Help me… please….