Just Breathe

Chapter 55: Promise Me!

My leg bounces up and down.

1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2

I mentally count along to my beating leg. I glance at my watch chewing on my lip. For fucks sake why am I here this is stupid.

"Niall?" The female voice chimes right before walk out of the room

I flick my head up "Hi" my tung feels like sand paper...

"I'm really happy you decided to give this a try. I know it can be a lot" ashley sits across from me on the opposite couch "how are you?" She simply asks

"Alright I guess..just nervous" I admit rubbing the back of my neck

"Don't be. This isn't like to movies you don need to lay back with your feet propped up and tell me all your deepest thoughts" she smiles and I let out a nervous laugh "I mean unless you want to." She shrugs

"No not particularly" I shake my head smiling pathetically

She smiles "So why did you decide to give this a try?" She asks leaning back

"Well honestly, I was just recently reminded of why I'm going through with this trial, even though I hate it. I realized that there's life after cancer." I tug my beanie down a bit further genuinely afraid of it falling off "even if its not my own there's life after cancer. And now that I've realized that I want to make sure I'm living my best life up until the moment I can't anymore" I explain confidently

"That's a really brave conclusion to come to. It's one most people don't ever come to whether they have cancer or not." She compliments "may I ask how you came to that?"

"I guess originally it was my girlfriend, Annie. Just listening to her talk about how the cancer doesn't mean we can't have a life together with marriage, a house...kids" I blush it seams weird admitting this all to someone I barely know but also it feels great "and then hearing the boys too just in general talk about their lives. They want the same things I do. Cancer can't take that away. At least not entirely."

"I don't know if you need my help Niall" she chuckles

"No i do. I don't want these feelings I have to be a faze. I know soon enough I'll be sick again hating the world and Ill need someone, you, to talk to, to remind me of all that I told you. And I don't want that to be annie or the boys they're already carrying the burdens of my wanting to give up too many times. And I don't want to hurt them anymore."

"I can do that Niall. I will do that. But don't think your emotions are a burden to anyone. I can assure you just from speaking to the boys on the few occasions I have. You're anything but a burden to them." She explains

I nod "i know that. I do. They tell me that a lot. It's just hard to believe because honestly 99% of the time all I feel like is a burden to them."

"That's understandable when this whole year and a half or so since you've been diagnosed your diagnosis has felt like a burden to you? Something you have to bare the weight of?" I simply nod. Yeah, actually that's exactly how it's felt

"How are you feeling about the trial so far?" She asks switching gears

"I don't really know. My last couple, Daniel call them 'progress checkups'" I explain using air quotes "to cheek and see how the trial drug is working and if anything seams to be changing, have been defeating. Nothing's changed. The cancers still all throughout my chest and spreading and the tumor on my esophagus is still there. But it's not crushing my esophagus yet so I guess that's good." I shrug "Daniel and Dr. Kelly keep telling me 'it's not a miracle drug the cancers not going to disappear' but I don't know it's hard not to hope for a miracle every time I have any test done."