Hold Me While My World Falls

Chapter Sixteen

Saying goodbye hurt like a bitch. Dean tried not to focus on the way Sam seemed to hang off Jody or how Jess was smiling through her tears. He didn't dare glance at Mary. She wasn't even old enough to grasp the heaviness of leaving. It was just like him having to watch out for Sammy at the tender age of eight. He hadn't even reached double digits before becoming an adult. The law said eighteen, but Dean knew better. He knew normal ten year old kids didn't know how to ration food and hustle pool.

They'd pretended everything was right as rain this morning. They knew what was to come and they'd taken advantage of the last time they could be normal. The whole family had eaten breakfast together, pancakes and coffee and the works, just for some sliver of an escape. Nobody wanted to leave. So Dean had clambered into the Impala as fast as possible and Castiel had followed. They just needed Sam, and he was savoring his last moments of paradise, however dysfunctional it may have been.

Sam finally wrenched the passenger side door open, and with one last wave and sad smile, sank into the sun-warm leather seat.

Dean revved the engine to life. After he got going down the road, he spoke. "Sammy, get that map out and see where the bunker's at, will ya?"

Sam nodded, pulling open the glove compartment and unfolding the road map. He turned it to view it properly and began giving directions.

Castiel watched them both, Sam with tired eyes and Dean with a death grip on the steering wheel. He briefly thought about the significance between them. Sam was emotionally exhausted. He knew exactly what he was doing to his kids and hated himself, because now he understood why their father was never there. On the other end of the Winchester spectrum, Dean was angry and petrified. Dean wanted his own life gone just so they could be safe and normal, although even Dean realized now that he wasn't the only issue. Even Dean realized now there was no simple solution. Castiel thought about all of this, as he dove into John's journal.

With Sam occasionally spouting off cardinal directions and the AC/DC tapes in the player, Castiel had fallen asleep at some point. He shot upright as the Impala's horn blared.

"Fucking move! The light's green, asshole!" Dean shouted to the car ahead.

Castiel rubbed his eyes and yawned. He blinked sluggishly for a bit. Having regained his wits, he looked around. It was seven now, and the sun was just starting to rise   They'd been in the car for over four hours. Castiel stretched his legs and yawned again. "Where are we going?"

"Dad wrote about a bunker in that journal. We're gonna see if it'll still support life." Dean answered. He seemed normal enough, but Castiel wasn't stupid. Between his nearly successful suicide attempt and having every good thing except his family ripped away from him, Castiel knew he still wasn't in a good place. He nodded though, and made some offhand comment. There would be time for discussion later. Dean probably wouldn't open up right now anyway. Everything was still moving too fast.

Castiel closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

When he woke up again, the car was empty. He instantly jumped up and took note of his surroundings. They were parked at a gas station at one of the pumps. Sam was right outside his door. He relaxed. He opened the other door and crawled out that way.

"Morning, Cas." Sam gave him a smile, though it didn't reach his whole face.

Castiel nodded. He made his way to the back of the station toward the bathrooms. He knocked and walked inside. Dean was washing his hands.

"Hey, Cas." He said. He didn't bother smiling.

Castiel was glad for that. Normalcy was missed, but he was quickly tiring of the fake stuff.