Hold Me While My World Falls

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve
The Impala was quiet as the boys drove further away from the past. If Dean was being honest with himself, he didn't want to leave. Absolutely, it would be better to move on without reminders of his relationship with Castiel, just like he'd done with Benny. But he didn't want to forget.

Castiel stared out the window. He hadn't even been able to name the little grey kitten from Christmas. He should have stayed with his family. But then he'd be wondering if Dean still cared. At least here he could always tell. Dean may try to hide it, but Castiel knew he still loved him. It just wasn't possible for them to be together.

That was what hurt the most. He could love Dean from afar, and vice versa, but he would never be able to hold him like before. They'd never wake up in the same bed again, he'd never bring him coffee in the morning for his grumpiness. Castiel smiled sadly. Dean being grumpy was another thing about the man he loved.

"Cas." Dean's voice cut in.

Castiel peeled himself away from the window. "What?"

"There's a cooler back there with beer and water. If you get thirsty, drink one."

Castiel nodded.

Sam piped up. "Can I have a water?" He asked.

Castiel opened the small blue box and handed Sam a water from it.

"Thanks, dude." Sam screwed off the cap and took a sip.

Dean felt like having a beer, but knew well enough to leave them alone until he wasn't driving. He was, however, looking forward to downing enough to fall asleep peacefully when they got to the next motel. "Hey, Cas?"

"What?" He asked in the same tone as before.

"You might want to do a little more research in Dad's journal." Dean replied, pretending not to notice it.

"Fine." Castiel opened the journal to where he'd left off and started reading once more. Soon, however, his thoughts drifted. They changed from how to defend against ghosts to Dean. Castiel was getting extremely weary of all his thinking going to Dean now. It hurt so much, thinking of what could have been, of what almost was. He again thought of the kitten. He'd never get to name it.

"Dean?" Sam spoke up suddenly.

"Huh?" Dean's eyes didn't stray to the passenger seat like usual.

"What'd you do with Jo?"

"I got a neighbor to watch her for me. I guess when I don't come back she'll just take care of her." Dean shrugged. It didn't matter.

Sam nodded. "Just a random thought."

Neighbor, Castiel thought absently, his eyes not exactly focused on the journal anymore. Just months ago they'd been neighbors. They'd been strangers, and then suddenly, friends. It had been so nice. Why did he ever have to get greedy and hope for more? Now that he had it, he didn't even know if he wanted it. Dean was acting as if nothing had ever even happened between them.

Dean sighed. He missed the way things had been. He hated all this tension between him and his bumblebee. And he'd only just started calling him that, too, before he had to end things. He didn't quite understand why Castiel didn't just leave. He could be happy, meet another cute guy, have the apple pie life Dean had convinced himself he would get to have forever. Even though the image of Castiel in another man's arms sent a burning envy through him, Dean knew he would never get that with him. He should just leave. It would be better for everyone. Especially himself.

"Hey, Dean?" Sam broke their thoughts, waking up from a nap he'd been taking.

"Yeah, Sammy?"

Sam yawned. "You mind stopping somewhere soon? I wanna stretch my legs."