Reborn: The Boy Who Discovered He Wasn't

Chapter Forty

Reborn: The Boy Who Discovered He Wasn't

by SabrynaBrooklynne

Chapter 40

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Once James' mom ended the phone call with Taia, he spoke to her.

"Mom, do you really understand just how tough this is for me to deal with? Yes, I know you say you understand and I know you want to, but how much of this do you truly understand? It was one thing to put on clothes and makeup and live as a pretend girl, knowing it was temporary and that I was still me, still the same boy underneath still able to put it all behind me if I chose to and resume life as a boy. But now this . . . this is different. This is real and permanent.

"Once this is done, I won't ever be the same person again. The old James, your son, will be gone forever. I'll be stuck as a totally new person. I won't even have the same body. No longer will I be able to pretend to be a girl. Now I'll have to actually be one. The finality of that, the reality of that is terrifying. Then there's everything else that comes with being a girl; like how girls are expected to act and to carry themselves, how girls are expected to present themselves and use makeup and clothes to make themselves look pretty all the time. And how boys look at girls as sex objects and some boys think they can do whatever they want with a pretty girl.

"And on top of all that, thanks to those boys that attacked me, now I'll be expected to most likely take on the role of a wife and maybe even mother and who knows, one day I could end up being attacked again, only next time I might not be so lucky. I mean, what if I end up being raped, repeatedly, have a train ran on me and left for dead. It's all very scary, mom . . . and exactly what I had decided I didn't want."

"James I have to admit that I don't have any way of truly understanding exac. . ." Carol started but was interrupted by James.

"Mom, I-I, um," James paused for a moment then tried to start again, "Mom, I think it's-it's safe to say there's no uh," James' voice began to once again tremble as he struggled to accept what he was trying to say.

"What I'm trying to say is, I guess we have to accept and start getting used to the fact that there's no more James, mom. In less than twenty-four hours, he will no longer exist, and I guess I've got to accept that whether I want to or not, so we might as well get James out of our minds and go . . . a-and go back to . . . um, back to . . ." his head dropped and his voice trailed off in a defeated tone as he exhaled and reluctantly finished his thought with tears streamed down his cheek, ". . . go back to-to calling me, Jessica."

This caused Carol to start tearing up. She wiped her own eyes and smiled before reaching over to wipe her child's tear soaked cheeks.

"Sure, Jessica, I'd love to, sweetheart. Now you do know that ultimately you will still be the same person? Physically you will be a girl and that's different, yes. Also, people will see you as and treat you as a girl, but inside you will still be the same person I've grown to know and love. Who you are at your core, your personality, your soul; will still be the same even though your body will have changed a bit. And this fear of being attacked again, you've got to get over that. The chances of that happening are too small to let it control your life. How about this . . . once you are healed, how about I enroll you in self-defense classes?"

Jessica thought for a moment before finally replying, "I think I'd like to take those classes. What you said about me being the same person, No mom. I don't . . . I uh, I don't know. Now that I have to become a girl permanently, I'm not so sure if I want to be the same person. If I no longer have a choice and I'm going to have to accept being a girl, I don't think I want to be some kind of a 'boy in a girls body'. If I'm the same person, then I'll end up coming off as, a tomboy. I'm not so sure that's the kind of girl I want to be known as. I'm also not sure I have any interest in being a boyish acting butch girl that everyone assumes to be a lesbian either.