Author: deviation-
Plot:
Your plot does seem to flow nicely and get set up well, which is good. I don't have any complaints about it, there is nothing super at the moment that seems apparent, but it isn't horrible. It doesn't feel like a rich plot though, but that ties into things like descriptions and characters that I include below.
3/5
Grammar:
There are places that need commas where there are none. But those aren't super frequent. There are few other random grammatical errors spread throughout that need edited out, but, they should be easy fixes. Though, they are annoying to read. Watch your possession grammar, as in when to use apostrophe "s". And watch your plurals, you use the wrong one a few times...
I suggest you review dialogue grammar because yours is incorrect in places. I'm going to include a quick guide, but it's not perfect, merely the bare minimum.
Incorrect: "I need to go." He said
Correct: "I need to go," he said
Incorrect: "We're hungry!" They mumble
Correct: "We're hungry!" they mumble
Incorrect: "I hate them." Ralph said
Correct: "I hate them," Ralph said
2/5
Descriptions:
They are far and few in between. Your descriptions are there, but you could use more or describe different things. I'm not asking for a ton of endless description, just a little bit more, or choose what you describe wisely. Or add some things that go along with what I mention below.
3/5
Characters:
Meh. You have characters, and they sort of have traits? But at the same time they are very boring and without much actual life in them. I know you are writing in third person, but you can do that well, and still incorporate good characters that readers can connect to. This is an area that you really need to work on, as characters are an important part of your story and without them, you don't have much at all.
2/5
Anything Else I Don't Like:
Why is the title not properly capitalized? For me this would be an instant turn-off, if I was flipping through and saw this book, because it makes me wonder that if it isn't written correctly what else might be lacking in the story.
The indentation. On wattpad you don't need to indent, it looks weird, and messes with my eyes. Also the very first indentation doesn't match the rest and it makes me anxious to look at.
The first paragraph is super confusing. You wrote it in a way that I can't get behind. It feels too abrupt. There are ways to not slide gently into the start of a story and make it work. But, this is not one.
I know this is only a wattpad book, and I'm probably one of the worst people you could have read this because of my horse experience. But...ahhhh... I'm not going to be too harsh, but I have a few things that I need to mention about it, or else I may die. It is clear that you don't know much about horses, or if you do you have a very hard time portraying that in your story. And, if you don't know, you need to work on faking it. They are a small part of their story, but the weak, and awkward writing around them reflects poorly. First off, the servant boy bringing a basket of apples to Dylan and his horse, I want to know if it was for the purpose of the horse eating some right then? I assume it was? But I'm not positive as the apples seem to disappear only a few lines after. The issue with that is that the horses will have bridles, reins and bits in their mouths if they are being ridden. And if they don't and these people are against the norm you should mention that. But, I'm assuming they aren't because nothing else is mentioned about it. So, when a horse has a bit in their mouth it makes it hardish for them to eat, especially an apple that they would have to crunch up and not choke on. With a nose band on this makes it even more difficult. Next, you don't mention anything about reins at all. Reins are important...like super important. You should mention the leathery feel of them, or anything (this merges into description but that's besides the point). Then in hand the reins lead into the "leash" section. Horses don't have leashes? Like ever. If the servant boy is leading the horse away as soon as they get back then he would lead it away with the reins, unless the bridle got taken off magically and replaced with a halter and lead rope. In that case he would use the lead rope, not a leash. To you this probably seems petty, but it is important. The small details are what sell your book to people that know what they're reading about and even one's that don't. It's important to do your research before writing about something that you don't know about. Or, if you want to get creative and make up your own stuff, explain it so that it works into your story.
There are places where your writing makes no sense. I think you are trying to sound mysterious? Or weave the tale creatively, which good for you, but it isn't coming across very well if that is the case. You need to work on the flow of your book, there are sentences that are choppy and weird and virtually no flow at all.
0/5
Overall:
You need to work on a few things. It's pretty straightforward, but once you do I'm sure you can turn this book around and make something that makes more sense and is worth reading.
Final Score:
10/25
