Author: ABeautifulBlessing
Plot:
So, this plot seems to be pretty simple, though not overtly noticeable in the first chapter. I don't have much to say about it in detail. However, I feel as if the story telling itself took forever in this first chapter. It was slow and with lots of added information that I wasn't sure whether or not actually mattered to me. It felt like thick, underseasoned soup that I was spooning into my mouth.
3/5
Grammar:
"I traveled alone. But my mother and Rebecca sends there regards."
*dramatic screeching*
You know what is wrong with that dialogue, I assume, and I assume that it slipped past you while writing.
"I returned his scowl and with a little rancor and jerked my arm out of his hold."
Rancor [rang-ker], noun: bitter, rankling resentment or ill will; hatred: malice (taken from dicitonary.com)
I don't see how this word fits into that context, I mean I do, but at the same time when I read over that sentence the word just doesn't fit right. It's there but I feel like there is a much better way to convey what she feels in her scowl using a different word that will fit better in the sentence.
Diiiiiaaaalogue grammar!!! Below is a short and dirty guide:
Incorrect: "Get out." He shouted.
Correct: "Get out," he shouted.
Incorrect: "Get out!" He shouted.
Correct: Get out!" he shouted.
Incorrect: "Stupid," he slapped.
Correct: "Stupid." He slapped.
Correct: "Hey," I said.
Correct: "Shut up." He frowned.
You get it, there is more to it than that but, this is just the basic basic stuff, I really suggest looking into it.
There are a decent amount of grammatical issues scattered through out, I really suggest doing a hard edit on this story to help it out. If you want all the errors pointed out, I could go through and do that, but only if you want.
2/5
Descriptions:
You describe things, so I can't knock you for that. However, your descriptions are weird. There's something about them that puts me off, and I'm not quite sure what it is. It could be how they're written, or the words used, but they come across as cheesy. Even though the words you use themselves aren't exactly cheesy. Either way it just doesn't sound right in the story. Another thing I noticed is that the grammar in your descripitons is also a little off, which is probably throwing the whole thing through a loop.
3/5
Characters:
Ugh.
I feel like I've met one too many Sanity's over my time of reading published, and wattpad books. She's the same as most of them that I find, on the plain side of things, always inconvienced by guards, always upset and angsty. Generally always paired with a rude and despicable male, and then sprinkled with a lot of running away from issues instead of facing them head on.
I also have an issue with your male characters. Both of whom are portrayed similarily. If the name's were not involved I would have thought that they were the same person as they hold many of the same traits, besides the fact that they have testicles.
1/5
(I really hate these types of characters)
Anything Else I Want To Take Points Off For:
Flow. Or should I say lack of flow. There is none, you need to read through and edit, hardcore to make this story flow, and flow well. Most of it is choppy and cheesy, and not the most enjoyable thing to read.
I don't think I've ever hated a name as much as I hate the name John Smith. I think you can get so much more creative with that, I mean can you get any more generic?
3/5
Overall:
I think that after you edit and work on some of the things that I mentioned this book could be really good.
Final Score:
12/25
