Things I Cannot Say

Kabanata 15

I made myself busy by switching channels on the television. Itinigil ko ang pag lipat nang makita ang isang action movie. Biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko na nasa sahig kaya natigil ako sa panonood.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone at sinagot ang call gamit ang nanginginig at nagpapawis na kamay.

"Hello Rosalind?"

"Makayla. I don't want to argue about it. My answer will be always no." Her voice sounds so authoritative. 

Huminga ako, saglit na nablanko. "I'm sorry."

"Its my apartment. Yes I told you that's its yours but it will not change the fact that it used to be mine. So follow what I will say. I don't want you bringing strangers to my apartment. Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry, Rosalind."

"Pinagbigyan ko na kayo sa pagpapalaya riyan. Don't make me bring the cops again Makayla. You know what I can do."

"Opo. I'm sorry."

"That's okay. Naiintindihan mo naman siguro ako di'ba? Hindi ko pa kilala ang taong 'yan. I just want to be sure that you're safe."

Hindi na ako nakipag talo. Alam kong useless din. Kahit sabihin kong mabait na tao si Theo, alam kong matatalo at matatalo lang din ako sa argumento. Hindi ko rin naman ito tahanan gaya ng sabi niya. Nakikitira lang ako.

Sumulyap ako kay Theo. Hindi ko alam kung pano ba sasabihin 'to.

Kinabukasan ay maaga akong nagising, nakahiga lamang sa kama at iniisip kung ano ang maaring sabihin kay Theo. Kakatext ko lang kay Olivia na dumaan muna sa apartment tutal day off naman niya ngayon.

Pag labas ko ng kwarto ay naabutan ko si Theo na kakabangon pa lang. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at nag sulat sa note bago pa niya ito makuha.

Theo, I'm sorry.

Curious niya akong tinignan.

The owner of this apartment asked me to move you out. I can't do anything.

Kita ko ang bigo at takot sa mga mata ni Theo. Damn it, don't make it hard for me.

But you'll hurt yourself.

I won't hurt myself anymore.

Promise?

Promise.

I will visit you everyday.

You don't have to. I will be the one who will visit you.

Let me.

You're still not okay.

I will be. Once I am okay, you don't have to visit me anymore. I will be the one who will come.

Up to you Theo.

Where will I stay?

With Olivia. Don't worry, she's my friend. I'm really sorry.

That's okay. I'm just worried about you.

You don't have to. I will be okay.

Please don't try to kill yourself anymore.

I will.

Hindi ko sinabing hindi ko maipapangako iyon. Pero para sa kaniya, para sa purpose na ito, para sa mga plano na nakalatag sa buhay ko, sisikapin kong habaan pa ang buhay ko.