Things I Cannot Say

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3

City lights almost blinded me as I walk down the pavement, letting tears fell down my cheeks. My shoulders were shuddering and I don't know if its because of the cold January or because of my continous sobbing.

Or maybe both.

Sa tuwing nakakarating ang mga luha sa sulok ng aking bibig, nalalasahan ko kung gaano kapait ang buhay na ibinigay sa akin. I never knew that my life would turn out like this. I was just a normal probinsyana at my hometown before I went here. All my life, I pictured myself going to Manila to pursue my dreams. Hindi ko naman akalain na hindi pala Manila ang pupuntahan ko kundi isang bansa na kontinente ang pagitan.

Some of you might wish to be here in France. Some of you might think that I'm really dumb to end my life despite of having an opportunity to be here. But we're an entirely different people with different experience.

I want something different. You might want something else. You might want to experience luxury, to experience the life of being French, and visit all the local coffee shops that serve the best Machiato. Or just to visit the city of love.

But me? All I want is to be finally home. I want to be back to where I am supposed to be.

"Pansamantala lang 'to Makay. Pagkatapos nito, babalik na tayo sa Pilipinas." Mabilis ang mga galaw ng kamay ni Mama habang pinapasok ang mga damit sa kaniyang maleta. "Dalian mo! Mag impake ka na Makayla!"

Confusion filled me that time. Hindi ko alam noon kung bakit kinakailangan pa namin hanapin ang aming buhay sa France. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan pa namin lisanin ang Cebu, kung maayos naman ang buhay dito.

"Pero bakit Ma? Ayaw mo na ba dito?" I felt weak as I shoved some clothes inside my baggage. With hesitation of course.

"Hindi tayo yayaman dito Makayla. Hindi tayo yayaman sa pagsasaka lang ng Papa mo. . . sana maintindihan mo." Puno ng kapaitan ang tono ni Mama.

Gusto kong lumaban noon. Gusto ko siyang sabihan na sana matuto na lamang siyang makuntento. Sana matuto siyang ipagpasalamat na lamang ang kayang ibigay ni Papa. I am very proud of my Papa at gusto ko rin na maging ganoon si Mama. 

The sound of a beeping car brought me back to present. Agad akong humakbang palayo upang padaanin ang sasakyan na muntik nang makabunggo sa akin. Pinanood ko ang pag alis ng asul na Sedan. Kung hindi na sana nagbigay ng pansin ang nagmamaneho ng sasakyan, siguro mas magiging madali na lang ang lahat para sa akin.

I stopped by near an already closed store. Isa itong bookstore na pinagigitnaan ng isang Bristo at isang PUB. Sa reflection ng bintana ng bookstore ay pinagmasdan ko ang sarili. The coat that hangs on my shoulders made me look twice my weight. Malayong malayo sa weight kong 50 kilograms sa pagkakatanda ko. My jodine suede high boots made me look tall as well. Even though its dark, I can bet that I really look pale.

Marahas na hinampas ng hangin ang buhok ko. I shook my head to brush away the green strands that tickles my cheeks. Gustuhin ko mang hawiin, ang dalawa kong kamay ay nakayapos sa box na naglalaman ng aking mga gamit.

"She looks lovely, just like you." My step dad told my mom the first he saw me.

I wasn't comfortable around him but I managed to show a polite smile. His name is Ibrahim Gregorie. During those times I still don't have any idea that his surname will be mine someday. I thought he is just doing us a favor sa pamamagitan ng pagpapatuloy sa amin sa kaniyang apartment. Kaya nang magpakasal sila ni Mama, para bang isang pundasyon akong unti unting nagiba at nadurog. I was severely crashed, thinking on what will happen to my papa who doesn't have any single idea that mama is already planning to be married to another man.