Things I Cannot Say

Kabanata 10

Kabanata 10

Naalala ko noon. Yung mga panahon na nakakulong lamang ako sa kwarto ng apartment ni Ibrahin.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin palagi na lang gulong gulo. Ang tanging ginagawa ko lang ay mag research sa internet kung ano ang mga sintomas ng depression. At ito ang ilan sa mga nakalap kong impormasyon gawa ng magdamagang pagri-research.

1. Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" mood

2. Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism

3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness

4. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities, including sex

5. Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down"

6. Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions

7. Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping

8. Low appetite and weight loss or overeating and weight gain

9. Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts

10. Restlessness, irritability

Of course, noong una ay hindi ko pinansin ito. Hanggang sa umabot sa puntong unti unti na nagtutugma ang lahat sa sarili ko. I was in a panic mode, you know. I was desperate for help but I don't know where I should run to seek for it. I am just helpless.

Tambay ako nung mga panahon 'yon sa online forums. I was trying to reach out to strangers that were in the same journey, thinking that maybe I could seek comfort knowing that I am not alone in this.

Mayroong mga mabubuting puso ang nakisali sa mga forums. Lagi nilang pinapaalala sa mga biktima ng depression na kumapit lang dahil mahaba ang buhay at hindi pa namin nahahanap ang totoong kahulugan nito. Na huwag kaming sumuko dahil marami pang plano ang Diyos para sa mga tulad namin.

Internet is a huge place. A huge huge place where everyone can meet each other without having to make eye contact. Kaya hindi maiiwasan na ang iba ay naglalakas loob na mag iwan ng mga masasamang komento. Mga komento tulad ng naghahanap lang kami ng attensyon sa ibang tao kaya namin sinasabi ang mga bagay na ito.

That isn't true. Most of the time, people who are a victim of depression are being mistaken as an attention seeker individual. No. Those cuts you see in their wrist? It is not for the sake of attention. Its the way of dealing with the pain. Its the way of coping up with madness. It is not an accessory that we wear just to show everybody how emo can we get. They are signals. Not accessories.

Time came that I was already in the final stage of it. Also known as: Suicidal stage.

I am just hopeless. Tired and drained. I can no longer see the future ahead of me. Para sa akin, wala na akong purpose. Para sa akin, tapos na ang silbi ko.

Halos madurog ako nang mawala si Mama, knowing that I will have to stay with my step dad who doesn't even know the word care or love. Nakatitig lamang ako noon sa blade, nagdadalawang isip kung itutuloy ko ba o hindi. But then I've decided to give myself another chance by seeking for my step Dad's help. But he failed. And I failed. Terribly.

Desidado na ako noon. Desedido na isarado ang libro ng aking kwento. I already accepted it. I already accepted the ending the fate gave me.

But unexpectedly, life gave me another chance to live.

I don't know what for. But I know I have some unfinished purpose. I just don't know what is it. Well not until he came. There is a reason why we crossed paths. And I think this is it. Maybe he is my one last mission. The reason why I am still breathing. The reason why I am still alive.