I'm not sure who's more shocked by his revelation. But given that he's the one who said it, which meant that those three words must have crossed his mind before he uttered it, I'd say that I'm more shocked than he is. So many things are running through my head and I try to focus on any one of them, but I can't.
The last person who said I love you to me ended up being the same person who broke my heart into tiny pieces. Who all of sudden told me that he couldn't take it anymore and that he felt like a break was what we needed even though he promised that he'd always love me.
But then again, when the last person said I love you to me, I didn't hesitate before saying those words back to him. I didn't think twice even though looking back at it, I wished I hadn't done that. I wished I hadn't straightaway handed him my heart.
I'm seized with fear that the same thing would happen again, which is why I can't seem to say a word to Harry who's now looking at me expectantly.
Harry must have noticed the doubt because he takes a few steps away from me and runs his fingers through his hair. I glance at him and notice that he doesn't look too happy and that makes me wonder if he wishes he could take those words back. I don't know if I want him to do that.
"I'm sorry," he says as he lets out a heavy sigh.
My heart drops to the pit of my stomach as questions after questions begin to infiltrate my mind. What is he apologising for? For saying those three words? And if he is apologising for that, does that mean he didn't mean it? Does that mean he's only saying that to shut me up?
So many possibilities are bouncing in my head and I don't like any of them. I don't like the idea of him wanting to take back what he just said.
Harry brings his fist up to his mouth and he coughs into it once, twice, his gaze not meeting mine. I want to see the look in his eyes, want to know if there's regret in them. He takes a few deep breaths and when it seems like he's ready to speak, he lifts his head and looks at me.
"I didn't mean to throw those words around like it meant nothing," he explains and whilst his choice of words is simple, it takes me a while to wrap my head around them. "I've got it all planned out, you know? I was going to take you to dinner and we'll have a good time because every time spent with you is a good time-" he pauses to shoot me a smile. I don't get to reciprocate it before he continues, "-and then when you least expected it, I'd tell you that I love you so I could see the look on your face when I say it."
I can't believe it. He's got a plan. After all, it's something that he's quite good at: coming up with plans. I shouldn't be surprised but I am. So much so that I can feel my emotions from the past days, weeks and months catching up to me and tears begin to well from my eyes.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Harry asks as he moves towards me cautiously. When I don't try to put some distance between us, his strides grow more confident and next thing I know, he's standing only a few inches away from. He hooks his thumb under my chin and angles my face so I'm looking at him. "Tell me. Please."
The edge in his voice and the pleading look in his eyes make it difficult for me to think, let alone to speak. But I try, anyway, because I don't want him to think that I'm pushing him away. God, I'm done doing that.
"You.. love me?" I ask him as I look up, his eyes catching mine instantly. There's a smile threatening to split his face into two as he nods his head.
"I love you," he repeats those three words to me, this time sounding less frustrated. In fact, he sounds more confident and more sincere. He places one hand on my cheek, his thumb tracing circles on my skin. "It's okay if you don't say it back," he tells me with his eyes fixed on my face. "And it's, uh, okay if you don't feel the same."
