Allodoxaphobia ♅ Viktuuri

39) ''Maybe It's Time You Saw A Professional''

Phichit had to leave on Sunday morning, leaving before the sun had ever risen. But, nonetheless, Yuuri and his family stood by the door to see him off. Yuuri would take the taxi with Phichit and say his own goodbye at the airport but his mother had been adamant that she would give Phichit a leaving gift before he returned to Thailand.

That had turned out to be a rather small gift, wrapped immaculately with a little ribbon wrapped around it, a slightly wonky bow on top. It was beautiful, really, something only Yuuri's mother could do with her artful hands and touch of flair.

'Bye, sweetie.' She pulled Phichit into a strong hug, looking as if she were about to cry but held it together- it was probably the sleep that was causing her emotions to go haywire.

'Young man, I expect you back.' His father said, his deep voice sounding slightly out of place as he used the English terms, he was still coming to grips with the English language despite having lived here for a while now. They had all learnt far too many languages over their lifetime and adding another one to their list was always going to be difficult.

Suddenly, crashing and banging rang loudly through the house as Mari flung herself around the corner and down the stairs, throwing herself at Phichit. 'I may like my sleep but you're not allowed to leave without saying goodbye to me.' It was funny, Yuuri thought, hearing Mari speak after their father. She was adept at all languages, no matter the difficulty and had already learnt the American slang as well as the accent- the only thing that made her seem foreign at all were her facial features.

'Come on, let's get you boys going. We don't want you missing your plane.' Hiroko smiled and ushered the boys out of the door where the taxi was already waiting, the driver grumbling in his seat, looking as if he'd gone to work in his pyjamas. Maybe he had.

The drive was quick, flying by between muted conversations and flickers of sleep. It was all too soon that they were practically being thrown out by the taxi driver who didn't hesitate to handle Phichit's luggage with little finesse, scraping along the side of one of the cartoon faces that covered the hard, plastic case- one they had hardly been able to shut due to the sheer amount of stuff Phichit brought.

'Well, at least I get to see my hammy's again.' Phichit smiled weakly, staring at Yuuri's teary eyes knowing that he was going to have to leave him for check-in sooner or later.

'Yeah, I guess.' Yuuri looked down to his feet, taking large breaths in and out to control himself. Surely, he couldn't be this upset. Phichit was his best friend but no doubt they would see each other again. Even if that weren't the case, they talked on Skype every other day- they would still have chances to talk. And, since Phichit had been here, he knew all the drama he needed to know to give the famous Phichit advice.

It also seemed that he wasn't going to leave without giving one final bit. 'Be careful with Viktor, alright? He means well but that doesn't mean a lot in this situation. Yuuri...you're still getting a hold of your emotions so just be careful, all right?' Yuuri nodded, his eyes tearing up again but not a single drop spilling. He was holding strong.

This wasn't the end.

He was wrapped up in a hug before he knew it, Phichit's calm voice ringing loudly in his ears. 'Be good.' Oh god, he sounded like a mother. It at least got a laugh from Yuuri as he scampered off to put his bags through check-in and go to security, leaving Yuuri alone with his thoughts.

Not all bad thoughts, he was still smiling. His heart was heavy, though, the feeling of loss already a little too much. He forgot how much he relied on Phichit whilst he was around, even how much he relied on him when he wasn't. Phichit was one of the few people that were driving his life forward. Without him, things would have turned out a lot worse.

And that was saying something.

Yuuri sighed and turned back, waiting in the long line to get a taxi back, surprised his parents were letting him with the costs. But, he assumed, they were working and weren't able to get him themselves so there really was no other choice.

School was the next day and Yuuri could already feel the bubbling dread. There was a lot to sort out and Yuuri still hadn't the courage to fix it yet. His to-do list was ever-growing and soon it would become unmanageable. Yuuri needed to sort himself out before he sorted his life out but he was finding it difficult to one at a time- and he certainly didn't have the strength to do both. Or the time for that matter. His homework pile seemed to be growing larger than his worries and he knew soon enough the stress would get to him and he was going to end up flunking a class but he would push through it, at least this time he had hope that he could.

When Yuuri got home, he wasted the day away- putting a single hour aside to get all his homework done, which he should have known was an unreasonable expectation. Other than that, he spent the day wishing he could talk to Phichit- unfortunately, the boy was still on the plane- and instead of that, playing video games for hours on end. None of which entertained him in the slightest. He had never been one for video games, they bored him but, for now, it passed the time and let him put off his homework for another day. Russian had been as easy as always but English, that was a different subject. He had only just learnt the language nevermind analysed it. It may have been a semi-international school but that didn't mean the English course was that much easier.

Maybe it was and if so, Yuuri couldn't imagine what the normal course was like.

The next day, after the first few periods had rolled by, he was back in Viktor's office- the bleak sky doing no good in making the classroom attractive- the dull wood looking blackened with the lack of light. They both agreed that turning the lights on was useless and only served in creating a clinical atmosphere so opted for the odd route of sitting in the semi-dark, talking as if it were a clandestine lover's meeting.

Maybe that was exactly what it was but Yuuri would rather believe it wasn't.

'It's the power. I...I've been thinking about it.' Viktor didn't say a word, waiting for Yuuri to continue on. The silence lasted too long for Viktor to stay quiet for much longer but Yuuri finally found the words and spoke up. 'I've...I've been getting much better. My emotions are most stable and I haven't thought about harming myself in weeks. But, even with all that, I haven't got an ounce more control over whatever I have. This isn't normal, as abnormal as not having a power, in fact. I think I feel worse. I just want to be able to control it or not have it. Not something in between.' Yuuri regretted each word he spilt but it was too late to hold back. He had said it, hanging on by a thread. Tears were not far from spilling, breaths not far from being rapid. This talk of having more control over his emotions meant nothing when he was practically breaking down.

Why was Viktor so good as helping him and also ripping him apart?

'Yuuri, if you're this worried...maybe it's time you saw a professional.' Yuuri could almost see how much it hurt Viktor to say it- whether it was for fear of Yuuri's reaction or that he didn't really want Yuuri to heed his advice, he wasn't sure.

'No.' The response was instantaneous. Viktor had no reply. 'I can do this alone and I have you here so I'm not really alone at all, am I? I'm going to live in the present and just wait for it to come, even it worries me.' Yuuri shouldn't be lying to himself, no matter how unable he was to access his powers, he certainly was good at living life for the future. The present was as distant as his happiness at the moment.

Yuuri was falling again, wasn't he?

Emotional stability, his arse.

Yuuri left with nothing more to say, not bothering to say goodbye. His head was trapped in his thoughts with no regard to the rest of the world. He was isolating himself again, preparing for the worse.

It was a shame he had already told Minami about the party, he was tempted to cancel but he knew Minami wouldn't let him. It would become a surprise party anyway.

Yuuri didn't want to be trapped in this again but once he was locked in, it took all his strength to find the key. Especially when he didn't know whether the key was even there.

word count: 1523

published: 26.10.17