Things I Cannot Say

KabanKata 12

Nang matapos magluto, lumabas na ako ng kusina dala dala ang mga plato sa dalawang kamay. Namataan agad ako ni Theo na nakatulala lamang, hawak ang libro sa kaliwang kamay. Tumayo agad siya at agad akong nilapitan. Kinuha niya ang dalawang plato sa kamay ko at inilapag iyon sa lamesa. Pinaghila rin niya ako ng upuan.

I will wash the dishes later.

Aniya sa sulat. Nag angat ako ng tingin sa mga maamo niyang mga mata. If that's what he wants, siguro pagbibigyan ko na lang.

We ate in silence. Ang tanging ingay na maririnig ay ang telebisyon na umaandar sa sala. Pinanood ko si Theo na kumain. Mabilis ang pag dapo ng kutsara sa kaniyang bowl papunta sa kaniyang bibig. There is still no improvements on his weight but I am positive that we will get there soon. His hair is still long. Ang patilya nito ay lumagpas na sa kaniyang tainga. I have to give him a nice haircut. Pero syempre, hindi ako ang gagawa noon. I'm not good at this and maybe I will just end up accidentally cutting his already wounded skin.

I wonder what its like to live without hearing anything. I wonder what he hears? Is it only a white noise? Or really nothing at all? Gaano kaya kahirap iyon? Gaano kahirap mabuhay sa isang mundo na hindi mo maririnig ang mga musika, mga boses ng taong mahalaga sa'yo?

When was the last time you can hear everything?

I asked.

Just a year ago.

I caressed the rough and already wrinkled page of the note. So sounds isn't new for him.

What happened then?

He stared at it for awhile, four seconds to be precise. Ayon sa kunot ng kaniyang noo, sinisikap niyang maalala ang bawat detalye. Babawiin ko na dapat ang note upang h'wag na siyang pilitan nang bigla siyang mag sulat.

I lost my hearing aid.

It was already 11 pm, Theo and I are still awake. Nagbabasa si Theo ng libro sa dulo ng couch, at pansin kong nakakalahati na siya. Ako naman ay nakaupo sa kabilang dulo, nakasandal ang ulo sa arm rest at nanonood ng telebisyon sa tv.

It seems like a normal night. But normal nights like this? Its the perfect time for every monsters to devour their pray.

It went inside me. Deep deep down.

I was expecting it alright? I am expecting that monster to come. And its inside now.

The emptiness lingered somewhere in my body. . . again. I felt suddenly restless, so tired and drained. Sad thoughts filled my tired brain like a flash.

I miss my life at the Philippines. I miss them. I miss dad.

Missing a lot of things keep giving an undeniable pain in my heart. The things that I miss are my world. They are home to me. And missing them and thinking that I will never have the chance to see them again, I felt like they are colliding against each other with me in between. I felt like a star being crashed by a lot of planets.

Sumulyap ako nang sandali kay Theo. Kunot ang kaniyang noo habang binabasa ang pahina ng librong hawak niya. I want to read as well but I suddenly lose the energy. I don't know why. I am always been like these. All the happiness and all the energy that life would give will suddenly dissolve, replaced by a sudden sadness and emptiness I didn't know where came from.

Napansin ni Theo na nakatingin ako sa kaniya. He lowered the book on his face, revealing the sharpness of the bones from it.

You wanna write?

His note says.

I shook my head without writing any reply. I am too tired to even write.

I couldn't decipher myself as soon as I walk towards my bedroom, leaving Theo behind. It is coming back. Again. But why? To torture me? To make me suffer? Why can't I just brush it off my chest?