Not over you

Chapter 14

Aria's POV
A few days later

Since the night I saw Ezra at the park, I've been trying to avoid him. I told him we needed to talk, and we do... but just thinking about everything that can happen... One thing I'm sure, though: he'll hate me.

I guess that's why I've been avoiding him... I can't stand him hating me. So I've been hiding at home with the girls, only going to the backyard and meeting everyone there. Every time we're not outside I'm in my bedroom and I'm going crazy here, always inside these 4 walls... and I know I can't keep doing this for much longer... Unfortunately, I can't hide forever and I don't want to run away again. I just need time to process everything and try to find a good... well, not good... but a not so bad way to tell him everything.

Even though I've been trying to avoid him, I can't stop thinking about the kisses we shared. They keep replaying on my mind. The feeling of his lips on mine, his scent, his hands on my waist, on my back, on my hair... it felt like a dream, and for a few seconds, everything that happened these last 4 years was forgotten and I enjoyed the moment. For a few seconds, I felt happier than I had in a long while. For a few seconds, I wanted to be with him, to tell him how much I loved him and how I had missed him so much for the past 4 years... but then I remembered everything, and I realized it wasn't right.... That he shouldn't be doing that.... That he didn't know anything, and that if he knew, he wouldn't want to do that. I felt like, in some way, I was playing with him, lying to him, and I knew it had to stop.

"Hey. Are you ok? I've been knocking on the door for a while now..." I hear someone say, and look up to see Mara looking at me, worried.

"Ohh, yes, sorry. I'm fine, I was just thinking."

"About him..?" I don't' say anything which she takes as a yes, "Are you going to talk with him?"

"I..." I take a deep breath, "I don't know. I mean, I know I have to. I can't stay here forever and I won't run away again, even though that's exactly what I want to do right now... But the girls need their family near... and either I like it or not, it includes Ezra. It's just a matter of time until he sees them and realizes everything... and I don't want that to happen. I want to tell him. Face to face. But..." I say, biting my lip so I don't cry.

"Aria, I know what you'll say. I know you're afraid and that you don't wanna lose him. Even though you won't admit it, I know you still love him. But if he finds out by someone else or even by himself, it will be worse." She says, taking my hand on her and rubbing it. "I know it will be hard, and that you don't want to talk about all those years and everything that you went through... and you don't have to. If you don't want to, or if you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to tell him. I know how hard it was for you... I saw you destroy yourself, and if you keep doing this I'm almost sure you won't be able to handle it again. You need to tell him. You need to take this off of your chest. As soon as possible. It'll kill you. It already is killing you... you're not the same person you were when I came here a few weeks ago... and you're starting to turn into the person you were right before... you know what. So please, don't do this for much longer. It's not good for you.... And that makes it bad for the kids too. They've noticed how you've been. They asked me why you were sad and said that they were sad because you were too."

By now tears were running down my cheeks. I know she is right, but I'm so afraid... I'm afraid he'll hate me, I'm afraid he'll try to take them away from me, I'm afraid that the girls will hate and blame me for all of this. But when Mara said that the girls were sad because I was too my heart stopped. I know they are smart, but I didn't know they were that smart, and knowing that they are sad because of me kills me.

"They did?" I ask, sniffing.

"Yes, they did."

"But what if..." I say, after a while. "What if he tries to take them away from me? I can't live without them!" I say before I start crying hysterically.