DOUBT

Chapter 9 - Be With Him

Be With Him

After waiting for about an hour, there is still nothing from the medical staff. I have only seen pain, suffering, grief, crucifixion, and woe in his eye. A scared kid feeling that he might lose someone who is the source of his life, someone very close and dear to him, his mother. I hold his hand as my thumb brushes over his skin in a soothing manner. The doctor comes out after what feels like a lifetime. Asking about the current condition we stand, to which the doctor replies by saying, "I am sorry but her disease is spreading quicker... quicker than we thought it would."

The moment you realize that you were living a lie, and the crystal ball of those wonderful eternities was like a plane crash down on us, is the moment you feel dead.

We didn't expect that... that the disease will grow faster, we had time... she had time. Shock and fear were hanging over our heads as a knife ready to slice us off. I feel his grip on my hand tightening.

A dominated with fear Pamir asks the doctor that how could he say this? As he is the one who said she was responding fine, the way they wanted since the beginning. Isn't there any way? But the silence from the front doesn't appear to approach an outcome of any betterment. The doctor shakes his head.

Final verdicts are ghastly, and the irony is, the human brain is funny. It understands things on the foundation of intellect but fails to accept it anyway because what we feel does not have logic. Emotions are driven by something, something so deep that's not rational in any way. Like right now, Pamir and I understand why she cannot live, but we are unable to accept it because it pains. The concept of her not existing is what pains us.

I walk out looking around for Pamir, and there he was in the empty hallway, crying on the floor as he hugged his knees to his chest without a sound. The rudeness he showed in the doctor's office was nothing but a veil to hide the anguish he felt. Aren't we all like this? We all hide the pain because first of all, it sucks to feel emotions, but when you cannot endure them, it sucks even more.

"Hey," I whispered as I walked up to him, and in that one instant, I knew he needed someone to hold him. He won't ever say it, but I knew him.

"I am fine." He said as he sniffed and stood up looking away.

"It's okay," I said as I hugged him tightly, "you can cry, I won't judge." I could hear my voice cracking as I tried to subside my sobs. He did not pull away but instead dropped his beside mine.

"Please tell me she won't leave." I heard him, and a sobbed finally left my mouth as my grip tightened around him. Maybe he got his answer because he did not ask again, but his body quivered, and I knew he was crying. I am so sorry, Pamir. This time I cannot help you.

"We love her, and she loves us back. You always said that is something which is supposed to be enough. Will it be enough this time?" His voice hoarse, but I heard him clearly. I bit my lower lip thinking, will it be?

"I hope it is." I finally said, closing my eyes shut and nuzzling into his ribs.

I glanced around the space that I was seated in, waiting for the doctors to check on aunty so we can meet her. Everything felt so empty now. It's been hours, and yet nothing major changed, only the tears have dried. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Pamir eyeing the screen of his phone as his lips slightly moved. I bent over with a frown only to realize that he was reading the Quran. I glanced over at his face, and this was the first time I saw him in a different light. I always thought he prayed because of his mother nagging him too.

I do not know if he felt my stare or what he was reading finished, but he locked his phone, glanced over at me. He smiled at me before putting his phone back in his jacket's pocket and looked away.