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Sonny

A  T R U E  S T O R Y

I've been a bit of a writer ever since I was little, and they used to feature predominantly female characters. I was one of those "women are the best and men are losers" type people, in fact I was so biased towards my beliefs that I hated even interacting with boys (maybe because I would seem like I had crushes on them, I don't know). But as I got older, I actually found myself in a position where the girls would hurt me most and I would spend more time with boys and consider then more of my friends than anyone else, even if they didn't really consider it mutual. And now, I've realized that boys go through a lot.

Especially when you're a boy like me: a trans boy.

You know those jokes about Tumblr hating men and putting women on the highest pedestal? Yes, they're very true, and I've experienced it. Every time I see one of those posts outlining how all men are bad, I feel like I just got stabbed. Sure, I wasn't born a boy, but it makes me feel even worse for being born the way I was. It was kinda makes me realize why Tumblr adores trans men but not trans women - because they still think about the birth genitals instead of their true gender (not to mention they glorify the "flower prince" trans men which I unfortunately fall under because I love flowers). And then there's the whole issue of society not letting men cry or express themselves, not letting them be feminine in any way possible or even though girls can be masculine, not realizing that men can be raped or abused, et cetera.

It's not just with the internet or society, either. Daily life is also pretty hectic. Being forced to wear skirts as part of my uniform if I want to not die of heat - check. Being called "lady" or "ma'am" or "miss" by everyone - check. Having to listen to all those "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER" jokes - check. Suffering through dysphoria because your sports bra doesn't bind your breasts enough no matter how small they are - check. Being called "girly" as a nickname, having to listen to your teacher tell you that "sometimes we desire things that we shouldn't", being scared or ever being hated by anyone, afraid of anyone ever finding out what the colors on your keychain mean - check, check, check, and check. There's so much that goes on that's just awful. Sure, I'm trying to be more open to people, but that doesn't mean that it's easy. Climbing Mount Everest would be easier, at least those people have the courage to do it meanwhile I'm stuck in a rut trying not to have a panic attack just because someone might walk up to me and say, "Hey are you trans?"

Honestly, I'm more scared being trans than I was being female.

But, there's some goodness to all of this. I've been able to tell a few close friends of mine about my identity, and they've accepted it wholeheartedly! They call me by my preferred name (at least most of the time, some of them are still getting used to it), listen to my rants about dysphoria and trying to bind, support me and encourage me throughout my journey, heck one of them even made me a transgender keychain I talked about earlier. Yes, I'm still afraid to be me. And yes, I am very angry with all of the people who refuse to believe I'm a boy or who keep stereotyping boys or diminishing them and all that I talked about and in between.

But at the end of the day, at least I'm me.

And I'm proud of myself, even if others can't be.