Scared of the Shadows

More or Less

"I just can't explain it any other than that." Kade said. "I feel empty, and at the same time so full of things that I can not get my hands on to know what they actually are. Its chaos." Unable to look at Joe, he just looked at his hands, which had been fiddling with the same piece of rope from his sweater for the last hour.

"I try to make sense of it, sometimes its there the next its gone. Then I feel happy and excited. I have stuff to do and it all goes so well. And them boom. Out if nowhere, like a bucket of cold water. My chest feels like there is a tight rope around it that gets tighter and tighter. My breathing gets shallower and shallower. And if I try to fully breathe in it hurts like a mothe- sorry, like hell."

Joe notices how Kade rubs his chest without even realizing. "Does it hurt now?" He asks. Immediately Kade drops his hand to his lap. "Yeah.. yeah it does." He replies.

"Have you ever checked up on it kid? Like did you go see a doctor?" Kade shakes his head in reply.

"Why not?" Kade scoffs. "Why should I Joe, it hasn't killed me yet. Wont kill me now then huh?"

"What are you so afraid of Kade?"

"Nothing." Kade replies a bit more quiet.

"That they find out something is wrong with you?"

"No, its all bullshit anyway man." Kade says with a slight edge of agitation to his voice. But Joe doesn't give up. "Are you scared they find something else?" Kade ignored Joe, which he didn't appreciate.

"Are you afraid they're gonna find out you're mentally unstable? And that you need help? That you need to share whats going on in your head?"

Kade jumps up from the sofa he'd been sitting on. "Fuck you man, you have no idea whats going on. You know nothing!"

"Then tell me!" Joe says on a normal level. "Tell me whats going on so I can try to understand whats going on. Im not here to be your shrink, or to tell you that life gets better." Kade was still standing with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. "Then what?" He asked.

"I care about you kiddo. And I'm here for you if you need me. The last few months I have been watching you punishing yourself, how you ruin yourself and talk down to yourself." For the first time Kade saw how torn up Joe was by all of this. "Don't do this to yourself kid, it doesn't make things better."

"Well what if I don't want them to.." Kade mumbled.

"Why would you not want to feel better Kade?" Joe asked, getting quite concerned.

"I don't even know, I really don't know what normal is anymore, how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be normal and don't feel this kinda shit." With a tired sigh Kade dropped down onto the sofa again. "I don't know man... I don't know what to do."

"I'm here for you kid, it's okay not to be okay." Joe stood up and put his hand on Kade's shoulder. "Let's get this beauty of a bar up and running alright?"

"Sure." Kade felt a little bit more at ease after falling into his routine. He knew Joe was keeping an eye on him to make sure he wasn't gonna do anything stupid or have an attack like last night again. And for once in his life he was okay with someone looking our for him.

"Thanks Joe." He said.

"Most welcome Kiddo." He heard Joe say behind him on the other end of the bar.

It had been about 2 years since Kade first stepped into the bar. By now he was running the bar on his own on the slower nights so Joe could have some time off. On the weekends and Thursdays they still worked side by side.

Recently however, the bar had gotten a complete make-over. The last 2 summers had been successful as they were able to host small events and participate in festivals in town. They might not have the biggest or best stage, but all the bands loved it there. The food was amazing, the sound good, and they felt at home and at ease.

He was still living in his little top floor apartment but it was good. Life had turned around for Kade, he could not exactly say when it happened. And of course his days weren't all sunshine, but he managed. And he was proud of it. He didn't have an attack in the last 9 months and his chest only hurt when he got way too stressed about things. Which, luckily, wasn't very often anymore.

Life was getting better, and he enjoyed it.

It was okay not to be okay, he would probably have to keep working on it his entice life. But that was okay, Kade decided. Until he noticed a pair of very familiar eyes looking at him.
"Evenin' what can I get you?" He asked her.
"Kade?" Those eyes spoke more words than the tremble in her voice. He looked away and grabbed a small glass and filled it with beer, after putting it in front of one of their regulars he asked again; "What can I get you to drink?"
"Kade..." she started but stopped when she noticed his icy glare.
"A coke is fine." She finished.
"Coke it is." He quickly uncapped a bottle and poured it in a glass. Remembering she didn't like ice in her drink.
"There ya go, thats 2,50 please." She handed him the money and whilst he turned around to put it away she asked; "Can we talk? Please."
"Nothing to talk about." He replied as he saw Joe rounding the corner to the bar. "Joe, I'll be out back yeah?"
And with that he left her there at the bar.