I Don't Want to Say No (Marliza)- Wattys 2017

Chapter 22- The Past Follows, The Present Stays

Hey again guys I'm back, the story's almost over. . . I know, its sad, but yeah *finger guns*
So we had student council elections yesterday, and I was running for Vice President, and the one other girl who was running (that I hate because she copied a bunch of my homework claiming my ideas as her own, she also made me have a panic attack because she kept touching me and giving me hugs after I told her to stop, and then when I told her to stop, she got all pissy at me)
Also, the other girls on my old robotics teams were mean to me again
But luckily, my new robotics team is lit, and I have some really exciting news that I can't share with anyone, which I'll probably reveal in my next fanfic on Wattpad
So yeah, have fun with this chapter
L8ter dudes

Maria's POV
We kiss until the nurse tells us we have to stop. She says my lungs can't handle reduced air.
I love you, I write on the paper. Please say you'll take me back. I'm so sorry.
"Yes," she says, crying tears of happiness.
She helps me to her bed, and we sit next to each other.
What happened? Why are you in the hospital? I write.
"James got to me. He, he came to the apartment, and he said he'd kill you if. . . if I didn't. . ." she trails off and I write.
I'm so sorry. You should have just let him kill me.
"No. . . I love you way too much to let you go."
I love you too, I write. He came to Laf's and Herc's apartment, too. He came for me.
"I-I'm so sorry," she whispers. "Can I kiss you? On the head."
I nod. She places her lips to my forehead, and rubs my back gently.
"Do you know when you get out of the hospital?"
I shrug.
"The doctors say I'll be out in a day or two. I assume with a scar like that," she points to my chest, "it'll be a while."
I nod my head in agreement, when I notice the ring on Eliza's finger. It's the ring I gave her, and I want to make things right again. I hold her hand, and take the ring off her finger. She quirks her eyebrow, but doesn't stop me. I take the pen and trying to do some decent calligraphy to make this moment somewhat special, I write two words in big letters.
I turn over the sketch pad so she can't see the words, and motion for her not to look. Then, I get out of the bed, grab the ring a sketch pad, and get down on one knee.

It hurts to do this, especially just have come out of surgery, but I'll go through any pain for Eliza.
Her mouth falls open, when I hold of the pad of paper and the ring.
Marry Me? It reads. A tear falls out of her eyes, and she smiles.
"I'd love to," she whispers, giving me a gentle kiss, making sure than both mentally and physically, I'm okay. But I'm always okay when I'm with her.
I slip the ring on her finger, then we lay in the bed together.
"C-can, I tell you what happened?"
I lift my head and cock an eyebrow. "With James. . . I need to tell someone, distinguish what was real and what wasn't, just let it out so it won't torment my mind as much."
I nod my head and pull her closer.
"He came to the apartment, so I went and I hid in the bathroom. I texted Angie. . . I think. And he knocked on the door. He told me that if I went to him. . . He wouldn't hurt you. So I opened the door. He gave me a pill, and told me to eat it. I did. I wanted to keep you safe, so I did. He led me to your room. He ripped our clothes, and I didn't fight. The drugs made everything sway, and I felt so weak. I knew fighting would make the whole thing worse. I knew if I fought, he would probably hurt you. So I let him. He laughed at my body. He said I was too small, and too hairy, and that he was surprised anyone could love me. But still, he continued. And it hurt so bad. I was in so much pain, and I felt so weak that I could barely move, and simply calling 911 was a struggle. And the whole time," she takes a deep breath and stops.

"The whole time, I kept thinking that I was doing this to keep you safe. With every moment he did, each time he quickened his pace, or his grip on me tightened, I thought that I was going it to keep you safe. And it didn't." Her voice cracks, and I hold her close.
I'm so sorry, I write. 
"The worst part was. . . If it had kept you safe, I wouldn't feel so tainted. But I just feel so dirty. I feel numb but in so much pain at the same time. I feel like I'm not good enough for you anymore. I guess I can imagine how you felt after being with James for years. If you're okay with it, could you tell me what happened? Not last night, but before. . ."

It was awful being with him everyday. He always wanted more. It was never good enough. I started dating him start of senior year. We kissed on the first date, and before him, I had only dated two other guys, and only kissed one. It had never been instilled on me to keep my virginity, but it was the one thing that I thought, my first time should be nice, it should be special. It should be with someone I truly loved. Even if I didn't love them a year, 5 years, 10 years down the line, if I really, truly loved them in that moment, then I would have made it special.

It's stupid, but I wanted my first time to have rose petals on the bed and fairy lights hung up, with candles and soft music playing in the background. Instead, James convinced me, on our fourth date nonetheless, which wasn't even really a date, to do it with him.

We went to a stupid high school party, filled with booze, and drugs, and all that. He made me feel so special. I was wearing a pretty dress I had saved up for. I felt like a goddess, especially with how I thought James was looking at me. Looking back, I realize that he was also looking at other girls. But in that moment, I thought things were going well. He got me a beer, and I drank it. It was bitter, but I drank it anyway. I didn't want to be seen as weak.

Someone knocks on the door, so I stop writing, my pen falling aside. We jump up, and Eliza clears her throats and says, "Come in."
A young nurse come in, smiling.
"Which one of you is Maria Reynolds?" she asks brightly.
I raise my hand.
"We need to preform a few tests in some separate rooms. I'm instructed to take you there."
I smile and nod. I take the pen and paper, and tap it, trying to tell Eliza that we'll continue this laters.
She smiles, and gently places a kiss on my hand. I smile from that then turn back to the paper.

I drank a few more, and at the end of the night, I was wasted, where he led me upstairs. I was too drunk to say no. He told me he loved me. I didn't want to lose this, so I didn't say no. It wasn't until you that I realized sex didn't have to be so physical. People talked about how sex was supposed to be beautiful, and gentle, and full of love. I never experienced sex that was full of love instead of just power, before you.

We did it that night. Other couples were in the next room over. Someone was passed out in the bathroom. He smelt of stale beer, cigarettes, and sweat. It hurt, and he didn't care. He only used protection because he said, "he didn't want to have a baby with someone like me." I thought that meant he didn't want a baby yet. I now know it meant he thought I was too ugly to produce good offspring. But we did it still. I woke up the next morning, and I regretted what I did. I changed into my dress, the dress I had held with such pride, such love, only a few hours earlier, had turned into something that made me feel like a slut, like I was worthless. That day was the first time I had felt tainted. My head had hurt, and I resisted the urge to throw up. I went home, and lied down, burying the dress in the back of my closet. I may not have loved James in that moment, so I was determined to make my first time mean something, so I was determined to love him.

I tried to love him for a long time. And at one point, I was blinded by happiness of getting into college, about making friends, that I thought I loved him. But that soon went away. He had gotten mad at me before. But nothing bad ever happened. Then, we went to the same college. He got a football scholarship when the verbal abuse began. He stared critiquing my body, telling me what to change. He said that he was just looking out for me. He said that he knew I'd be disappointed in myself if I gained the freshman 15, so that was the year I started starving myself. It was to make him happy. I had one meal a day, and it sucked. Shortly after that, the physical abuse started. And it escalated quickly. It was awful. I met you shortly after I had started freshman year. It was perfect.

Life with him continued, and it sucked. But then you rescued me. With you, I was never beaten. With you, I was never degraded. You took time out of your day to tell me how beautiful you thought I was, how smart. To you, I was not just a piece of ass, or a nice pair of tits. To you, I was a person. To you, I was the goddess I wanted to be that night so long ago.
You showed me the beauty of the world, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

I continue to write, and write, and write through the tests until I have filled many papers, and I am finally done with everything that I need to say.
I fold up the paper, and write Eliza's name on it.

Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain, which causes me to scream. Halfway through my ear shattering scream I can't breathe anymore. I feel like I'm going to die.
"Help," I manage to say before things go black.