Reborn

Chapter Fourty

Benjamin was dead.

Benjamin was dead and Vince killed him.

Benjamin was dead and Vince killed him and it's all my fault.

I should've jumped to his defence the second that Vince attacked after I told them what he did the first day I was brought here, but I didn't. It was like my feet had been stuck firmly to the ground beneath me and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move an inch. I screamed at Vince to stop but he didn't listen ─ nobody did. In their eyes, Benjamin was just as guilty. I had been rooted to the spot, screaming and shouting but it was useless. Benjamin was now lying on the ground with a silver stake through his heart and his head completely separated from his body. That was going to haunt me enough for all eternity but the fact he looked at me, a smile on his face that told me he was okay with this, he was okay with death, only made it worse. He had accepted he wasn't going to get out of this alive and that only hurt more. I should have done something.

I stared down at his body in horror. "No. No, no... god no. Please..." 

Ric smiled sadly. "It was better this way. He was going to get worse, Vi. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that." 

I wasn't convinced of that so I kept quiet. 

"What the fuck?!" Alec burst out in incredulity. "How can you actually have wanted him alive? That's fucked up! Guilty or not, he still fucking brought you here and put you in danger! He deserved to die!" 

"No he didn't!" I glared at him. "He had no control over his actions, I've told you that already!"

"Seems like sharing his bed at night changed a lot of things, huh?" Leah laughed darkly. It was the first time she'd said anything to me since she'd attacked me. "How could you feel sorry for him? I spent more time around him than you did but I'm glad he's dead." 

"You don't know the things I do." I responded, glancing back at Benjamin. I could have fallen to my knees with the amount of sorrow I was feeling, like I could barely stand straight because all I could think about was how another person was dead because of me. I may not have ended his life myself but it all linked back to me. Being a vampire was hard at the best of times but this, this was more than I could handle. If only my every emotion wasn't heightened, this would have been easier to cope with. Trying to compose myself before I really did lose it, I said, "Benjamin was struggling, sure, but he never wanted this. He never wanted any of this to happen..."

I felt a hand on my shoulder then. It was only there a second, squeezing encouragingly before letting go but I knew who it was immediately. Shadow's piercing glare only confirmed my suspicions. 

"It's okay, Violet. It's better this way, I promise. He tried so hard but he wouldn't have been able to stop it. He'd have snapped eventually." Lukas spoke soothingly but his words didn't do much in the way of comfort. 

"I could have helped him." I muttered helplessly. 

"You did all you could. He was protective over you in the end, remember? He even tried to keep me away."

Shadow's glare intensified, as though he couldn't even stand the fact Lukas was trying to help me. I understood, I really did, though it didn't make it any easier. I hated the fact he could barely look me in the eye and the only time he seemed to look in my direction was when he was glaring. It made my heart ache even more than it already was because it was just another thing that I was to blame for. I was the reason he was hurting. 

Either way, Lukas' words only had the opposite effect. Knowing that Benjamin hadn't died an enemy, someone to get away from only made the pain worse. He had been a friend, or as close as two people could be under such circumstances.