josh/tyler one shots

Loved.

i often thought about him, his colorfull hair that was such a messy mop on his head, his brown eyes were the most beautiful shade of brown to ever exist. and his smile was just breath taking. everything about him was amazing and i loved with my whole  heart. and to this day i still miss him at times. maybe not in the way i used to, as in romantically, but we were great friends before we dated.

i remember the day i broke up with him. god it absolutely killed me to do it but i had to. i needed space, and to be completely on my own. i needed that more then anything. its not like it felt great to break up with him, god i felt like shit for the next whole month. but it had to be done.

we still talk. just checking up on eachother. and it feels amazing knowing he still cares, and i feel even better knowing that i still care about him. i love him still, just not in the way i used to.

the last time we talked he told me about his new boyfriend. i got pretty jealous, but im just so used to thinking hes mine. but i quickly pulled my head out of my ass and tried my hardest to feel for him, or comfort him though he didnt even care that he broke up with his boyfriend.

not once has he ever mentioned that he missed me. until today.

i was so confused. he missed me in what way? he cant miss me like that i just got over him, im finally moving on he cant do that to me. i had started tearing up and asked him what he had meant. he said simply he missed me, he just did. all i could even think to type in that moment was an "oh hahah i miss you too".  i know he didnt mean it as in he missed me being his, which was absolutely fine with me. the conversation carried on a bit casually from there until he asked me why we broke up. he was just curious he reassured me for no particular reason. i told him, its not like he didn't deserve closure. he never really did anything wrong in the relationship. he was just a good boyfriend, and more.  that conversation carried on and he asked me if i was doing better, i said i was but i still have a couple of problems. he said he understood and that things were similar ,in that, with him.

i sat in bed  staring at the ceiling. waiting for the text that explained his situation. all of this threw me off track today. i don't like thinking about our break up. i still see what i did as selfish even though he tells me im not all the time. sometimes i wish we never broke up. i wish i was still his, he was so possessive sometimes and i loved it. he would never step over that line that went to far. it was just enough to make me feel like someone had my back at all times and they weren't willing to let go. a part of me wishes he did step over that line though, and made me stay with him, made sure i never even thought about leaving him. but thats pretty much abuse so in a sense im glad that didn't happen. im glad he let me go. he let me grow. it was best for both of us.

i remember one day we were talking about our future. i talked about always wanting a small family, ive always wanted a little girl.

but he talked about not wanting any of that.

which was fine, either we wouldnt last or one of us would change our minds. obviously we didnt last.

soon enough i receive a text form him explaing his problems like we had been talking about. only this hurt me. probably more the it should have.

"i broke up with my boyfriend because i just didnt like going out and not being able to dance with whoever i wanted to dance with. or kiss who ever i wante to kiss. and i never loved him, i guess i dont really even love anyone. im just a cold person i guess, but thats fine with me. i guess that will just help me in thenfuture though, i wont be hurting anyone else and i hate that it took hurting someone to find out."

so he never loved me? i was just holding him back?

i felt physically sick and my eyes started to water. i wanted to ask if he ever loved me. my mind started to wonder even farther into the message. he doesn't like being in relationship, what if he cheated on me? i quickly shook off asking him any of that, id rather not ask questions that i dont really want the answers to. its just going to leave me more hurt then i already am. but that definitely going to ruin my mood for the next week. i sigh and type back a shitty "im happy for you" message to which he excepts, failing to see how much of an act it really was.  its just how he is though. and sometimes i hate him. hes showed me such a beautiful world, even if he didnt want to be in it. he showed me how beautiful love is. and now i almost crave it. i do crave that feeling. i want it i want it so bad that it keeps me up at night. theres no one who has my back like that. i wanted to be alone, but i never wanted to be lonely. i hate him for giving me a taste of that. i hate him for giving me a taste of it only to find out he never wanted me like that. just as friends or for sex. i dont care enough to tell him whats on my mind. he lives so innocent to he wrong doings, and ill let him because its all over now. it doesn't matter. and it never will. but ill have to leave. ill have to leave josh dun behind and move on. he cant be in my life anymore cause all it does is hurt. just when things get better, we talk,  and i end up hurt. because im mister sensitive. but thats fine for now. ill be alone. and ill find someone to make sure im not lonely anymore. someone who will give me what i need. josh cant do that. and its not his fault, he just cant.