Falling in love with a Schizophrenic

Chapter 8

After talking with Rafi finally he let me go. Not that he controls me but he's very protective. He was always like that but sometimes he was kinda overreacting.

So after the ending of my shift I had to meet Nick. Honestly despite of all the connection and love I felt for him he was scaring me.... What was happening to him? I started to think that he was seriously ill. Depression would have been maybe the mental illness he had. All that years being alone without having someone to share your problems.

Of course he had his foster parents whom he felt more like parents than his biological. No matter what, I had to help him.

The thing was that we couldn't continue like this. Beating and threatening me wasn't a solution. Sooner or later I would find out what was wrong with him. Now all I had to do was to protect myself in case he hurt me.

Sitting on a cold bench I was waiting for his appearance when I saw a figure. Automatically I got up. I would recognize his pace anywhere.

With trembling hands I approached him slowly with doubts. Nick looked at me with a peculiar look on his eyes.

"I will not hurt you.. don't be afraid" scraching the back of his neck he avoided my look.

"You have said that again and you never changed.." I slightly looked down expecting him to hit me or something. Instead he took hold of my hand and embraced me.

At first I didn't react but after a while my hands wrapped around his neck, playing with his long curls.

"It's not easy for me.. I scare myself to death too, it's not that I'm doing this only to you... that's why I keep on running from my past. I don't want to live it again. If you only knew..." Nick sighed as he held me closer to him.

"Tell me... I want to help you. I can't return every time to my house with bruises, it's not easy for me neither. How am I supposed to conceal them from Rafael?" I trailed off.

Breaking apart all he did was shaking his head and walking forward and I followed him into the darkness that filled the surroundings.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the spot." He answered dryly.

That's what I was afraid of. He was calling that abandoned building 'the spot' and as he said he was going there only when he felt awful. Today was the day I guess.

We reached finally the rooftop and sat down. The cold breeze didn't bother me, as I had thought of bringing a jacket with me. On the other hand was with a t-shirt. I wonder if he ever felt cold.

"No I don't." Nick looked deeply at the sea buried in his own thoughts. How did he know?

"And before you ask I saw you from the corner of my eyes observing me. Then you kind of shuddered. So by your actions I guessed what you were thinking. Easy and simple.." he paused. "I had been always the odd one. Everywhere. Between my classmates, my family, there was always something that made me separate from the others. It's not good. All this things I have inside my head are killing me, and the worst part is that I can't make them stop. I'm torn between my nightmares and dreams and because of this nothing is as easy as it seems." Finishing his monologue it snapped it my head that he really have serious issues. But he wouldn't tell me. No matter of how much I tugged him he wouldn't speak.

Not having what else to say we just sat there in silence, being grateful for having such a beautiful view. The stars that were shining brightly were keeping us company.

Nick laid down on his back, with his feet dangling of the edge, as he started mumbling words.

"I can't and I wont. Stop it." he shook his head. "Why can't you understand me? I told you like five minutes ago to leave. Go to sleep." He groaned.

I doubt that he was talking to me. I guess he was talking to himself. Like that inner demon he had inside of him. I think that Nick may suffer from schizophrenia or maybe he is a kind of schizoid. But no.. it can't be. He would use pills and some medical treatment. Moreover if he had a severe mental illness he wouldn't work or live by himself. Instead he would live in an asylum. I guess maybe he is bipolar. It's quite often in our days. I would never learn about his secret dark world.

I leaned back too, to face him. My fingers traveled across his face. Slowly I leaned and kissed him thinking that it would help the situation, and yes it worked. Nick held me securely as his hands wandered from the top of my head to my back. His moves indicated that he was hungry for love and someone to care about him.

Moving his cold lips in sync with mine I felt him smile through the kiss.

"Izzy.." he moaned. "Let's go to my place."

I stopped all my actions looking at him bizarre.

"I promise for real. I wont do anything. Please.."

I nodded and we got up and started pacing to his apartment.

Fumbling in his pocket he found the right key and opened the door. Entering he let me pass first.

The pit in my stomach was now hurting me. it felt like thousand tied knots. Being afraid there was nothing left than following him to his bedroom. Watching his colorless room I sighed and locked my gaze with him. It was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever had. The comfortable silence that filled the room broke when he spoke up.

"Will you lie down with me?"

At first my original thought was that he may do some inappropriate things that would make me regret it, but the inner voice of me was constantly telling me that nothing would ruin the night.

I did nothing but nod and plopped myself on his bed trying to get comfortable as a slight depressing smile formed across his lips.

Nick took of his shirt revealing his skinny body. I recognized the tattoo he got yesterday and smiled to myself. The bed moved a little as he laid beside me without breaking our eye contact. Automatically I snuggled closer to him nestling my head in the crook of his neck. After some moments of watching into the nothing my eyes caught some cuts on his ribs. I remembered that yesterday Rafael said that he had seen some faded cuts but I didn't really think it would be so bad. I think Nick had cut himself again.. I saw some bruises too.

My shaking hand touched slightly his cuts.. I wondered if he had cut in more spots.

Nick caressed my hand kissing the top of my head. "Don't pay attention, it's nothing."

"No it's not! They are cuts, razor blade cuts. Why did you hurt yourself?!" I screamed in whisper.

"Because.." he sighed "Because it was all that made me feel something. The pain was killing me from the inside. It was tearing me apart, but it was the only thing that kept me alive. And I would rather feel pain than feel nothing."

My eyes welled up as I sobbed. I held him as tight as possible.

"Don't cry, I want this night to be peaceful.." he encouraged me to stop. Eventually I pulled myself together and tried to focus on Nick. Despite of the dark his eyes glowed like stars. He caught me looking at him and smiled leaning and planting a soft kiss on my lips. Definitely that was the Nick that I loved. The caring, the loving Nick. I just loved that part of his self. Driven by his slight caresses on my body I finally drifted into a dreamless sleep just like I wanted. In the arms of my love.