Short (Dark) Stories

Emotion In Three Words (Also A Rant Of Sorts)

I... Like Pistachios. Pistachios like Pistachios. Pistachios.. I like Pistachios, I like Pistachios? Pistachios like I?

I like Pistachios...

This is one of those moments that I want to express myself but only have certain thoughts in my mind. And I wish people could take the words I put out and see the mask that's on them, and look behind it. I realize my mask is almost perfectly formed to my face, but I really wish someone could tear it. Just a little rip, a tiny leak for the tears. A little bit of sunshine slipping in, a little ray of hope.

Now I'm alone, in the dark, barely speaking. Barely hiding it. No one can see me now. No one can see my internal struggle when there's no light to see it by. That's why I like to be alone in the dark. As much as I want someone to know, I want to keep it hidden. I want people to be protected from me. I hate that they care. It makes thoughts of death so much harder to hold valid. It makes you feel terrible for wanting those things. It makes you feel like you're advertising your problems and making people put it upon themselves to fix it. It makes you feel like the way you are is ruining everyone else's lives.

I like to be ignored. I like to be pushed away. I like to be hated. I like to be mean or evil. I like to be condemned. I like to be convicted. I like to be alone. I like to be in the dark.

There are so many things I try to say, but there's a small part of me that doesn't want anyone to know, to worry. I want them to hear my cries, but I don't. I want to be reassured and loved, but I don't. I want to be known and remembered, but I don't. I want to be around others and talking freely, but I don't. I want people to know me, but I don't. I want my depression to go away, but sometimes that's the only thing rooting me to the Earth. Sometimes it keeps me from falling over the edge. Sometimes it keeps me from trusting people. Sometimes it makes me feel alone and scared and guilty. Sometimes I enjoy what it makes me do. Sometimes I enjoy relieving my mental pain with physical pain. Sometimes I like isolating myself. Sometimes I like to be always in the dark, where no one can help me. Sometimes I like to be alone with nothing but bad thoughts.

I like who I am, but I don't.