Behind Classroom Doors (student/teacher)

LVIII- Back and Forth

"What did you hear?" I ask. If he's been there long enough then he knows I'm going out with Seth.

He confirms by saying, "I heard you saying yes to Seth. Do you like him?" I'm not sure how to answer him so I begin walking past him. He grabs my wrist to turn me around, "I see how he acts towards you. He really likes you and I understand first hand why." He's wrong, Seth likes me because he doesn't know what happened. Once he finds out he won't want to deal with the baggage that comes with Livia Gardner.

I pull my wrist from his grasp, "I don't know how I feel." I've already decided that when I do know I'll be upfront with Seth about it.

"Then don't play with his feelings." He deadpans, as if that's my initial intent.

"Last week you got mad because he asked me out, and now you're warning me about his feelings?" My anger rises, he's the one that is pushing me away. Even before I left Dean he was trying to stop whatever we were. Yet he still tries to keep me close because of his feelings for me.

Shawn pinches the bridge of his nose, "I overreacted, I admit that...but are you really ready for another relationship?"

I cross my arms over my chest. "I was ready for a relationship with you." I tell him, "All of this back and forth with you is exhausting, Shawn. After this year we're going in two separate directions and it will end between us." I've had a really hard time trying to understand that myself but I finally do. As much as I want to run into his arms and let him hold me, our story just doesn't have one of those endings.

"Dammit Livia." He breathes. The way he says my name sends a shiver down my spine. "I'm trying to keep you at a distance. Then you get close, so close that I can't control myself anymore. Like that night at my house. I shouldn't have let us get that far but I wanted it just as much as you did. Then I saw Seth ask you out right in front of me and I was jealous. I got jealous because eventually, you're going to realize someone like Seth can give you everything that I can't. For me to love you it's...it's not easy."

When he's done my anger is completely gone. I look him in his eyes and realize that, "Sometimes love just isn't enough."

"No kidding."

"Is everything okay?" Dianne questions from behind us.

We turn around so fast, trying to maintain our composure. "Yeah, everything is fine."

I'm not sure how much she heard, if anything, but my heart is racing. "Okay well, I guess I'll see you two inside." She begins walking inside.

"Wait!" I call, moving away from Shawn and catching up to her. "I'll come with you." She gives me a strange look but doesn't say anything. We go inside in silence and with Shawn behind us.

I've been trying to piece together everything that's happened since I met Shawn. The very fact that we can't be together drives us in a way. We're at this constant push-pull but, when will enough be enough? When will we finally stay away from each other? I personally don't know if I can, because I almost prefer the push-pull. It's better than the alternative.

My dad is waiting in the lobby, "There you are." He says, "I asked Shawn to check on you awhile ago."

"Becca had a lot to talk about." I lie a little too easily. If there's one thing this year has taught me, it's how to lie.

He nods, "Well, would you like a tour?"

I wasn't sure I would get one but I agree, taking a step forward to my father. He puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me. "This is the lobby, nothing too crazy but we're going to turn it into a nice area for the staff and guests." I know Dianne wants to turn this into a "Safe space." When the building is complete she plans on having a party. It's supposed to be centered around an art gala on the first floor. After that it will be turned into a high end office for her new investments. I'm not sure what business she's into but she swears it's going to guarantee her growth in assets.

My dad walks me past the lobby and to the elevator. "There's not really much left of the first floor, a couple of bathrooms and where security offices will be. Around back is kind of like a loft, I'm thinking of turning it into a furnished apartment for Dianne, when she's in New York." I nod along and give my opinions on the rest of the floors. The very top would be Dianne's office. When she's not there an executive will oversee everything for her. I feel like whatever Katherine's family gave her was enough to turn her life around.

"Dianne really knows her stuff." I comment.

"She mentioned going to business school. I think that's where she met Henry." Henry, Shawn's father. He never talks about him but from what I do know it didn't end well.

When we get back down to the lobby, Shawn and Dianne are at the table with a ton of papers out. He seems concentrated as they go over what the best approaches are. I watch him for a moment, not sure if I should go up to them or leave him to work.

Then my mom walks up and touches my shoulder, "Come on, let's go pick up lunch for everyone."

She tells me about a hotdog cart on the corner and so we begin walking towards it. Hotdogs aren't my choice of lunch but I go along with it. It's windy outside so I pull my hair up in a bun. "I wanted to talk to you about something." She treads as we walk.

"About what?"

"I just hope that you're okay with spending so much time with Shawn. I know he's your teacher and it must be awkward." Awkward is an understatement.

I definitely didn't expect to spend three weeks in New York with Shawn. "It's fine honestly. I'm so used to spending every day after school with him anyway."

Would I prefer to have more quality time with my parents? Yes. We can't always get what we want though, especially since this is business for them. "Well good." We make it to the cart and buy five hot dogs.

When we get back I walk up to Shawn and hand him his food. He looks at me, a little longer than he should and takes the food wrapped in foil. "Thank you." He tells me.

I point behind me and smile awkwardly, "Thank my mom, she paid for them." It's hard telling why we're so consistently weird around each other. Every time we have a talk about how we actually feel it just ends abruptly and we're left with nothing but confusion. Aren't we tired of being confused by now? I know I sure am. I think we should talk tonight and finally work everything out.

"Livia." My mom calls. I turn to her, she gestures for me to come over. When I do she leans in and whispers, "You looked uncomfortable, thought I would pull you out of there."

I nod, "Yeah, I'm just not sure what to do now."

"Why don't you help me pick out some paint colors?" She asks.

"Sounds good."