Tevun-Krus #46 - The Same Effing Story

You Don't Fuck the Meat: Crack Cocaine and Candy Canes

But, contrary to what you probably thought was gonna happen—let's be honest here: you thought it was gonna suck everything into his chest cavity, didn't you?—the space–time continuum in question actually expelled everything from Aintree's hole.

Have no fear, intrepid reader, for Aintree was not dead—he'd just taken in a lot of bad mojo over the years... Some real hoodoo. We're talking tumours out the ass. Literally. Aintree literally had a tumour hanging outside his asshole, and it really hurt when he wiped or sat on a hard surface.

The four buff men inhaled cancer and died.

With all of his bad mojo gone, including but by no means limited to his ass tumours and the second penis that up until that point in his life he had always had to tuck back so as not to freak any of his potential sexual conquests the fuck out, and the four buff men dead from acute cancer inhalation, Aintree jumped to his feet.

He danced, because why the fuck not? And because he could hear the music One-Eye had been talking about. Oddly though, there was no beat as such. In fact it sounded very much like a song by that shit '90s little-girl-pop band, Hanson. Oddly enough, he also distinctly heard the new single. It was both songs, but yet no song at all. You know the stuff—so tuneless and horrible you can't help but like it. Aintree felt his brains go to mush, eyes glazing over, lids growing heavy. A keen observer might even see his liquefied grey matter go leaking out his ear. He dropped to the ground and shook.

A woman came out of the alley smoking a jumbo-sized cigarette, because she was a girl who needed some horsepower in her mouth.

Upon seeing Aintree shaking like an epileptic in a strobe-lighting factory she laughed, because she thought it was funny. She also felt sorry for him though and despite the fact his mushy brains were seeping from his ears she thought he was kinda' cute.

She held the jumbo fag to his lips and waited for his body to remember what to do with a cigarette.

"Whoa..!" Aintree shot to his feet and with wide eyes he stared at the girl as nicotine coursed through his body.

"Whoa...!" he said again. "That shit is totally non-heinous! Where am I?"

"You're in

***

*and now a word from our sponsor*

"CRY OOORAH!

And let slip the Tevun Krus of lore."

A challenge, a quest, a deed that needs done lies before you. Will you answer the call to arms. The horns of creation echo throughout the depths of eternity, calling your name. Can a mind such as yours imagine such a thing. When the mothership lands will you stand tall, proud amongst those trembling at your feet. A being beyond humanity's short sight.

The meek may inherit the earth. But the bold, we shall own the stars.

*Back to your regularly scheduled program*

***

Aintree and Judy sat on the curb, tapping their feet in irritation while they passed the smoke back and forth.

"We back?" Judy asked. "Good. As I was saying, you're on planet Earth in the year 19,500. That music you heard, the one that turned you to mush, was the only way to remove the fail-safe. Remember when you had your last prostate examination?"

"How could I forget? He prodded me 'til I sobbed into the paper sheet."

"Well, he jammed a chip up there." Judy pulled out a portable phonograph. She hit play and terrible music spewed forth.