Loving Life

Chapter 47: Mattie

Oh boy, do I have a tale to tell Dianne. On the way home, I planned out excuses that are probably terrible. My anxiety is through the roof. First, it was raised by wearing a dress. I didn't want to show Brenda my scars and how fat I am. Second, Dianne's call.

The first thing I do is be dragged into the living room.

Dianne is furious. Her eyes spit fire. I close mine, take a deep breath, hold myself high, and remember what Ervin said.

"Listen. I know you're upset I never told you anything, but things got...busy last night." She hears my hesitation and pulls it apart.

"Did...you...have...sex...with...Ervin?"

That word shakes me to my core. I take an unsteady breath. I'm not a child anymore. "I'll be nineteen in a week. Legally, I'm an adult. I can fend for myself."

Dianne scrutinizes me for a minute, and then sighs. "I know. It's just, when Kyle first came over, and disappeared, I had a heart attack—literally. Frank had to take me into the hospital. I nearly fainted with relief when Ervin called and said he found you. I really didn't think you would make it."

That's because I thought of all the people who influenced my life—good and bad. The people who influenced my life wrongly were there for a reason. I learned more about myself and who I am and who I'm not. I now know I'll never be that weak and low to let them hurt me. No one who wants to put me down because of my ideas will hurt me. I am my own person, and I will do what I believe is right.

"Before I forget, a friend of Ervin's asked me to be in her wedding."

"Oh yeah?" She raises an eyebrow, which is less severe than what I got when I came through the door. "When did this come up? When will it be?"

"I'm not sure when it totally came up, but Ervin told me yesterday. The wedding is in two weeks."

"And you said...?"

I hold up my dress bag. "What did you think this was?"

"You don't even want to know." Her eyes check out my new, overly large sweatshirt folded in my arms. Ervin let me keep it.

"Why do you have a problem with everything I do? I'll be nineteen next week!" I roar. "I've done so much behind your back, you don't even want to know." I slam the things in my arms down and storm to my room, almost breaking through the old, worn out steps.

Not before I hear Dianne say in a small, tired voice, "Only because I love you. I don't want to lose you like I did before."

I contemplate going back to Ervin's. But that would be a sign I'm weak and don't want to face Dianne. Instead, I call and tell him I failed at what we talked about earlier.

"Keep trying. Eventually, she'll get the picture." Of course he'd offer something like this. He's the supportive one in this relstionship.What was I thinking?

I talk about the past forty-eight hours—minus the part where I spend the night at Ervin's—to my therapist, Maggie. I'm scheduled to discharge fully a day after my birthday. It seems like everyone has a rough last few days when it seems like it should be the opposite: girls always come in crying their last week, sobbing. Of course, we were all there to support her. I mean, we were in a tiny room and had nothing to do but get over our claustrophobia and anthrophobia.

Maggie says we'll talk about it more in my family session Friday.

Family sessions. I dread them with a passion. Dianne is way more sincere and serene it's almost scary. Every time, I grab Maggie's silly putty to distract me.

Maggie brings up what I talked about earlier. "Mattie, can you tell Dianne how you feel using an 'I feel...when you...statement?"

"She already knows," I state apathetically. The silly putty I tear has my sole attention.

"I'm sorry, Mattie. It's just, I love you and don't want to lose you again. When you didn't come home the night before..." Maggie inquires about what Dianne is suggesting and goes into exquisite detail about my terror of a relationship with Kyle.

I interrupt, raising my voice so all can hear, "I feel angry and hostile and furious when you talk about what happened with me and that monster."

Both sit there, staring at me.

"Mattie, this is important," Maggie stutters. "I thought your PTSD scores kept going up every time you took the test. Why didn't you tell us?"

"Why don't you understand? No one wants to relive their PTSD experience!" I jump out of my chair, grab my things from the room, and sit in my car. Once again, the good child part of me grounds me to this spot. I know Dianne's gonna come out and try to console me. I need to stand up to everything that makes me shrink. I will no longer cower in fear.

Sure enough, Dianne comes out and sits next to me. I'm leaning over the wheel, oceans of tears falling. She reaches over like the mother figure I never had, leaning me back into a hug and I let her. I'm done fighting. So much for seeming strong.

"It's gonna be okay. Do have any idea how much I've said that to myself when you were gone?" I can hear a slight crack in her voice. "I saw that sign in Maggie's office: crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign you've been strong too long."

"I keep messing up. I can't figure out life. One person tells me this, another says otherwise. I don't know how to please both sides," I wail.

"But you will. And you can't please both sides. Yeah, they won't be happy, but you have do do what feels right here." She pats where her heart is. "You have to make mistakes to figure things out. Only a robot could do that—even so, they also malfunction. But that's not my point. We're not robots. We're human. One big, beautiful species. Living and thriving."

"There is also ugly specimen," I say bitterly, thinking of Kyle.

"They're just jealous of what you have."

I let her meaning settle in. Kyle wanted to take control of me and I let him. "I don't want to go back."

Dianne pulls back and holds me by the shoulders. She wipes away tears and smiles. "I'm sorry about what happened. Here's a deal: if you finish your week, I'll let you go to Ervin's for a night if he's okay with it."

I smile and hug her. Ervin will totally be okay with this idea.

Two weeks go by. Ervin and I went on an actual date for my birthday—dinner, movies, back to his house.... It's the night before Brenda's wedding. Ervin and I went to her new house for a rehearsal dinner.

I'm in my room, trying on my dress to make sure it still fits. It is a little tight, and I suck in my gut, totally going back to old habits. I twist and turn, checking my every curve in the mirror when Dianne comes in. She smiles and her posture sags. I predict I'm about to get another telling about growing up.

"What was I thinking when I didn't want you to grow up? You grew up way before I met you." Her hands come in front, revealing a bouquet of teal, purple, and white flowers. No doubt from the yard. The first thing I did when I was home part-time was examine the yard. Dianne kept up my hard work, and I was proud. It looked even more beautiful.

I take the bouquet. She rummages around in my closet, finally emerging with a box. She stands behind me, opens it, and tells me to close my eyes. When I open them, there's a glittering tiara sitting on my head.

"Now, I realize Brenda may not want this for her wedding. But on your wedding, you can wear it. Consider it a gift of going through all the hell I've put you through."

"Dianne, it's beautiful!" I reach up to touch it. She starts braiding and twisting my hair, and suddenly, I picture myself a few years down the road. I wear a huge, white dress swirling about me, hair all done up, her tiara perched proudly on my head, and walking down my future with Ervin.

"And maybe this tiara will see you marrying Ervin." I recall the day I brought him home and Dianne was appalled by him. Even I ponder over how I could love him.

Is it bad that I can't answer that question besides I love him too much?

Nah.