Loving Life

Chapter 8: Ervin

I wake. Again. This time my watch reads one. An hour since I woke to a baby crying. I give an exaggerated sigh and try to turn onto my other side, which is hard since I'm smooshed between two bleachers. I bump into the person's feet above my head. I mutter a quiet "Sorry."

Morning comes way too fast. It always has this past week or two. After the second baby crying incident of the night, I literally went unconscious. This time, the sound of people starting to shift wake me. Automatically, I also push the light blanket back and follow the crowd heading for breakfast I assume.

Halfway through the line, I happen to see a board titled "CASUALTIES: DECEASED, CRITICAL, STABLE, MISSING" for the first time. I can't help myself. I hop out of line and squint, trying to sort out the blurry shapes of names. God, please. Please. Please. I can't handle my life if Leslie died.

To either raise or diminish my hopes, I study the CRITICAL section. Nope. My level of excitement slowly drops until I have no option other than to read the DECEASED and MISSING section. Maybe they haven't been found. Might as well get it over with and see if they're dead. I don't know what would be worse if they were dead or still haven't been found. Nope. My shoulders sag. All four lists are organized by their last name in alphabetical order. I skip to the G section of the missing bulletin. GR. GRE. GREIN, JOHN. While I'm obviously sad, I'm not completely orphaned yet. Right below Dad's name is Mom's. GREIN, JULIA, and below that, GREIN, LESLIE. I drop my tray, glass breaking everywhere. Brenda's gotta be here somewhere, right?

Brenda wasn't ready to walk to O.U. Hospital this early in the morning. I never told her where we were going, just that it was a short walk from the arena. And she might get in trouble for not showing up to help clean the city of debris. I might even get in trouble, too. They've let me start helping even though we've got the city and surrounding cities as clean as we can get them.

"So why are we here?" she asks when the building rears into the endless blue sky

Instead of saying 'Because I need to talk to someone here,' I reply, "You knew, didn't you?"

"Knew what?" Brenda tries to look in my eye without bumping into someone on the crowded morning streets. Out of the corner of my eye, she is worried, probably about me. I've always thought I was insane, and Todd and I always called each other that. I'm definitely crazy now.

"My parents." I try to hold down a sob. Unfortunately, it comes out sounding like a dying cat. She sighs and we escape into a side street, away from the bustling sidewalks. That sigh tells me everything.

As soon as we are out, Brenda is leaning over to hug me. I shrug away and slap her. My hand stings. My anger rises. And then I'm yelling, forgetting there are thousands of people five feet away from me.

"Liar! You knew they were dead! You didn't tell me when I deserved to know!"

Brenda frowns, her face hurting physically and mentally. "What makes you say that?"

I throw my hands in the air, exasperated. "You don't know? You called me 'orphan' when you brought me to the stadium!"

"You shoulda told me you didn't want to be called that."

"Oh my God, no one wants to be called that!"

"I'm sorry," she scoffs. Suddenly, Brenda's face merges into Mattie's and we're back in room 671. I'm such a jerk.

I start walking away. "Sorry won't cut it." My back turned, I walk past her and back into the river of people.

Running feet follow me. I don't need to turn around since I know who it is.

"Let's be real, Ervin. You know you're crazy to think you'll walk into this hospital, asking to see whoever it is you need to talk to.." She appears alongside me.

"Then you haven't seen me determined," I mutter, clenching my hands. Everyone says running is supposed to calm your mind. I decide to try that, dodging around people dressed in suits, on their phone. If anything, it makes my mind blaze especially since Brenda follows.

"If you forget everything said during this walk, you'll get to see whoever or whatever you came for faster." I don't listen. Brenda takes a breath. "Ever want to know what it's like to not have someone love you? If you don't take my offer, I'll walk back to the stadium, get a car, drive to where I live and you'll truly be an orphan and never have someone love you."

My heart still pounds from adrenaline. Brenda's words make me realize the truth after a moment. Even if I find Mattie, I already broke her heart, and knowing girls, she won't forgive me easily. Even if I ever see Todd again, I already made him hate me because, for all I know, maybe Mattie was The One as everyone says. I ruined my own life by being a jerk, and Brenda is my only hope.

I stop, thinking. My back still to her, I ask as loud as I dare, "Can you go with me to OU Medical Center?"

After pushing the ceiling high glass doors open, I stride to the front desk, my hands shaking. Is Mattie Hines here?"

The nurse looks at me, like, Seriously? Girl, you have every right to call the cops. I shake my head. Never do that again.

"Sorry. Ervin Grein. Remember me?"

"Ah, yes. The jerk," she murmurs under her breath. I cock my eyebrows.

"Mattie Hines? She left with Nurse Berleow two weeks ago." Who the hell is she?

"Where can I find her?"

"Somewhere in Langston in a big ole farmhouse."

"Thank you!" I yell over my shoulder, jumping out the door and over a little child, my hand gripping Brenda's arm.