Loving Life

Chapter 36: Mattie

Kyle picked me up and brought me to his party. I now hop out and take his hand. He leads me towards the house to talk to people.

I stay by his side all night because I'm too scared to walk away, afraid of what might happen. Eventually, he breaks away from the party and leads me behind a tree in the backyard where there aren't as many people. Through the dimness, I see other couples making out. Either my adrenaline comes from the fear that I won't kiss or act right and he'll hit me, or that the host is sneaking away with me. I managed to tell Dianne that I was going over to my best friend's house, Miranda, to celebrate for a few hours.

            How will Kyle act when I tell him I have to leave early?

            I don't want to find out.

            But then Dianne will be mad at me.

            I sigh as we finish our crossing and Kyle lifts my legs over his shoulders, my own pressing into the bark. I start to shake, then stop. I occasionally forget that I need to act like I really am in this relationship when I don't want to. I sigh again and bury my face in Kyle's. He smiles against my lips.

            I give him one last desperate kiss and then back away, only to come back and crouch over his head. Looking around the trunk, I notice a too-familiar face staring at me in the blue light. My face falls and I duck back behind the tree.

            Rubbing Kyle's hair while his head is stashed away in my shoulder, I whisper, "I have to go to the bathroom, babe."

            His head appears, gleaming with a look I do not like. It isn't his dangerous look but something I am too afraid to even think about.

            "You can go right here. I'll watch for people." He sets me down and pulls me in close via his fingers hooking into my belt loops. I shiver, his breath already hot and thick from the alcohol. I dig my fingernails into my thigh.

            "I'm a lady. We use actual bathrooms."

            "What's wrong with right here? We're in this relationship together," he mutters, rolling his eyes and shoving me toward the patio.

            And Ervin Grein.

            When I near the steps, Ervin gets up and wraps me in a hug and a kiss I miss so much. Why did I ever decide to dump Ervin and go for Kyle? Because with Ervin, our relationship went well. For a day. We'd break up, get back together, break up, repeat. With Kyle, we never fought, only unless he was in one of his moods, and hit me, but that wasn't verbal like most fights. I'm too afraid to fight with Kyle whereas with Ervin I'm not afraid to voice my feelings.

            I have a hard time getting away from Ervin. I want to melt into him and he would protect me. Would he do so if he knew my connection to Kyle? My mouth moves as soon as it isn't connected to Ervin's. He frowns, and that's when the words tumble out.

            "Oh God, I missed you," I cry. "But Ervin, please. No more. I mean, not here. Meet me by the bathroom in two minutes." Tears have gathered in my eyes now. God, I have never made this big a mistake.

            I run off to the bathroom to make Kyle think I really am going where I said I was going and only ran into a friend of mine. I sit on the sink for two minutes, holding my head in my hands when someone knocks.

            "Almost done!" I yell, running the water but not actually wetting my hands. I open the door, and sure enough, Ervin stands there in worry. When he sees my face in the same state as his, he softens and kisses me again. This time, it is harder to get away even though I know Kyle probably isn't watching.

            I pull him into the nearest room which so happens to be Kyle's bedroom. I stiffen but force myself to relax. Ervin is here and going to protect me. But no one can know.

            The walls are red with black trim and ceiling. There is a messy bed in the corner, the dressers filled with...action figures? Kyle is an only child, so how can this be his room?

            Ervin sits and I slam the door closed. The door was closed in the first place. Kyle can't know where I am unless we speak too loud.

            "Ervin, I'm so sorry. I really don't deserve you," I apologize, looking at our feet so close together. I push a sweat-infused lock of hair behind my ear. Ervin gets up and finishes pushing other, smaller strands behind my ear. As his hands slide across my cheeks, the tension leaks away. I never realized how much I missed his coarse hands gently touching my skin. Kyles' are rougher, but Ervin is so careful. Kyle mimics his hands.

            "You don't understand. So much has changed in these past few months," I say again, fearing the look in his eyes. I risk a look: not hate or anger, but love. Worry. Caring. Things Kyle doesn't show me.

            "I understood you long before we met." He gently grips my face, slowly bringing both of ours closer until our noses slide against each other, our eyes so close, our lips brushing the others'. He is making this so hard to break away.

            "You don't understand," I manage one last time, searching for some sign that he does understand. Ervin, please. Tell me you understand, and act like you understand. If you knew what I did, you wouldn't be like this.

            "Yes, I do." He pushes closer, and I sag against the door. Ervin keeps me off the floor thank goodness.

            Our kiss grows more desperate until he remembers we don't live here. What would I do to...what he was about to do. But then there's Kyle. It would be so much different with Ervin, who pulls out first for air, and I am thankful he did.

            As we gasp for air, I smile, assuring him. "Don't worry. Later." I nod to indicate what we were just doing is what I promised him. His cheeks redden.

My giddiness is replaced by fear a moment later. Kyle's deep voice and large fist pounds on the door.

"Mattie? Are you in there?"

I gasp and hiss, "Hide!" He looks around frantically before settling on the closet. When he is almost completely hidden, I answer, "Yes," and open the door.

            "Why are you in here?" he demands, closing the door again. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Ervin peeking out. I hope my eyes tell him to stay hidden, that's where safety is.

            "Well, when I came out of the bathroom, I..." Was nosy? How will he react? That seems to be a common question. I risk it anyway—"...felt nosy and peeked in. Why? Can't your girlfriend see what your room looks like?" I slide my hand on his chest and a mischievous smile on my face.

            "No!" he bellows, slamming me into the door, his hand clamped over my throat. Luckily, Ervin doesn't come out. "Do you understand?"

            I nod as far as the door and his hand will let me.  He drops me and punches my stomach. I gasp and slide to the floor.

            "Get up. You're my girlfriend and should be at my side at all times. Letting you go to do your womanly business was a mistake." He mumbles the last part while opening the door while I am at its bottom. Him opening it pushes me tighter against the wall I am already up against. Kyle leaves and some tension follows him out the door.

            I lay there until Ervin comes out.

            "Mattie? What happened? What's going on?" he asks, crouching next to me.

            I groan again, pushing myself up. Forcing a pain-free smile, I say, "Nothing." I know him well enough that he can see past my lie.